Wednesday, April 16, 2008

On Love, Men, Women, and Generalization

Apparently, love is a universal thing, and it goes without saying that both men and women feel it; isn’t this how they justify a lot of things, especially the irrational ones!! However, I think men and women fall in love and react to it differently. My idea could be some form of generalization; I hate generalization, but let’s admit that it helped a lot of thinkers in figuring out some acknowledged facts about humanity.

I already referred to men before women because of the alphabetical order, but when it comes to my own theories, I will start with women, since I think I know more in this department.

We women build our worlds around our men. Whether we are in love or married, whether we married for love or through arranged marriage, we always priorities them. We stop having our own dreams, and we stop pursuing the plans we once had. WHY?

Is it because this is what society tells us? I know it may sound a little feminist to say that, but I assure you, I am not a feminist!

I can only speak from my own experience here. When I fell in love, I had no eyes for anyone but him; I had no opinions or logic other than his. I chose to make him my eyes and my mind. But when my marriage started falling apart, I questioned my x, I was not afraid of his authority although I was raised by a strict father who allowed no room for me to question his logic or reason, not just because he intimidated me, but also because he provided me a good life, gave me the security and stability I needed. But when the other male figure in my life took away my notion of a good life, shook my stability and ruined my sense of security, I had every reason to rebel against him.

Nonetheless, there was a huge mental and emotional drawback once things started falling apart. It felt like my development had stopped at the age of 19, when I first knew him, and I woke up at the age of 26, wondering where I have been for the past seven years! In addition to my shock, disappointment and confusion, I had to do seven-years worth of catching up. It was painful, and it left me wondering if it was the right thing to do shutting myself away and letting him take full control of my life.

I am not saying we shouldn’t; if some women have done it and found it worth its while, it must leave room for reasonable doubt that nothing is wrong with that. But when it is done for the wrong man, it’s a recipe for failure and a long journey of self doubt, which may not result in self finding.

I wish more women would come and share their experiences, for I spoke of mine, which I found somehow similar to those of some people I know.

Now the men, they never put their women first, NEVER. I have talked to so many of them, and no one, not one said they put his woman first. I know my father never did, I know none of my uncles ever did, I even know my male friends did not, and I am talking about men whom I respect, men who did not fail their families. My x said he put me first all the time, and well, he lied.

The good men say that they put their spouses first by putting their career first, by focusing on providing a better life. I can’t disagree much because I know and understand the burden on men to provide and maintain a stable household. But this leaves the rest of the work to the woman; not just the house responsibilities, but also keeping things alive. It’s a hard job by the way, and if some women lose their heads or fail to keep the marriage interesting, well sorry men, you can try, but I don’t think it will work any better for you.

Yeah, my ideas are too general and not so organized. But isn’t this what we go through in life on daily basis; chaotic general assumptions.

So men, women, tell me… did I make any sense?? If I did not, what makes sense to you??

For the time being, to the women out there, I can only try to give you an educated, yet unbiased advice.

Follow your men, love them, support them, and stand by them… but so not ignore your instincts, do not numb your senses or ignore alarms. Do not stop growing… empower yourselves, educate your selves and make sure you’re walking on solid grounds. Your man can never find that intimidating or threatening, no good man would, whatever a good man is.


Anonymous said...

Great post but I think you negelct to say explicitly enough that as women we should develop our own characters, aspirations and lives before we 'stand by our men'.
I think every woman should concentrate on achieving her dreams before she marries and commits to a man, from what I've seen relationships force women to put their own development on hold so we should do everything in our power to overcome that.
Perhaps that's why women mature more quickly than men, a God given chance to achieve what we need to achieve before we are 'bunkered' (as my great grandfather liked to put it)

Eventuality said...

I think that women in our society live with the notion that they are incomplete without a man. That is why when they get married they become part of their husbands life, and if there's anything else left, they spend it on their own lives. To be more specific, marriage, in a lot of cases in our society, isn't about 2 human beings coming together and sharing a life where they both participate in their own ways. No. it's about how a woman enters the life of her husband, who becomes her whole universe and dictates her dreams and aspirations -even if not explicitly- from that point onwards.

I think a healthy relationship can emerge only when both parties feel that they are equal and that they are bringing something to the table. And I am not talking about the feminist notion of equality, but rather equality based on the fact that both parties are independent adults that chose to be together and feel that they want to share their lives together.

a divorcette said...

Arima, for starters, welcome to this blog :)

my sister would agree with you, she is totally putting off marriage until she makes something out of her life.

perhaps i subconsciously neglected that part because i met my x when i was too young, fell in love shortly after and got 'bunkered' right away :)

you're right though! but sometimes women fall in love at young age, and well, may be it's ok to get married soon, and live up to the expectations, only they should also maintain their own character and identity and keep it developing.

i've seen husbands who help their wives achieve their dreams... they look great from the outside, but i am always too afraid to take a closer look, i would like to think that the closer look is even more beautiful...

i'm an optimist, shoot me :)))

a divorcette said...


i know what you mean about equality... and you're so right that way :)

u know what, coming to think of it, when we get married, we do that without realizing... give up our own dreams and have theirs that is!! and it's not just in our culture, by the way... it is only more redundant in our culture because it's masculine!

la3lahakhier said...

salaam my love
its unfair
we need a translation
all women have to read this
iam waitting

a divorcette said...

heyy habibty,

okhtek 7ommmmaaaaaaret 3araby, we be deel kaman :((

haffakar fe mawdoo3 el translation da we harhga3lek feeh... promise :))

khaly balek men nafsek ya gameela :)

Anonymous said...

Begad ur blog and your style in writting is very nice :)
i felt like am reading aletter for an older sister of mine ..i hope god help you ,,i was feeling bad about my life but reading your words lightened me up ... alittle :P
anyways i hope u hang on there ,,someday you will meet a good man who erases all bitter feelings inside ..
sallam :)

a divorcette said...

hey anon,

thanks for your kind words and sorry for the late reply...

it's good to know i helped with your mood, even if it was "a little" ;))

and hun, there is more to life than a good man... mesh battanek bas ya3ne, it's a thought :))