An overdue apology and a comeback!

I admit that I have abandoned this blog for a very long time. For that, I apologize. I have been overwhelmed by how society and the system fail to bring justice to those who need it. I guess for a while there I forgot that the main purpose for that blog was to try and change how unfair society can be and how lame the system is, even if all I did was write words for people to read.

Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be a better support system for women undergoing divorce to help them out of bad marriages and help them overcome its shocking consequences. A good idea that needs an action plan if I may say; I have to say, it spoke to me and made me more enthusiastic about wanting to make a difference, like when I wrote my very first post on this blog.

Surprisingly, three days ago, a friend I made through blogging contacted me asking for “legal advice” for her friend since I come off as somewhat experienced as far as crappy marriages go! Although my “advice” was barely useful from a legal perspective, my friend said that it had a positive impact on her friend’s mood and that it made her less intimidated by the whole thing. The thought that I had something to do, even as minor as it is made me believe again that there is something that can be done; it somehow retrieved my faith in the power of words, not that I reall lost it.

Last but not the least, my dear friend and blog partner, Rasha, sent me message asking me to stop slacking around and start working with her on that blog. God bless you girl :)

So here are a couple of things I wanted to say as at Jessy’s but I guess I was afraid I would come off as rude to any of her commenters…

Women in our society need a support system, a valid one that makes them feel accepted rather than condemn them for their choice to end a bad marriage. It is quite understandable why any society would frown upon divorce; however, intimidating women and labeling them for wanting a misery-free life is not the answer to happy stable homes. I would like to believe that providing educated unbiased advice would do more good than bad, even if the outcome is “ab3’ad al 7alal”.

A support system does not mean by any chance that women are naturally weak. Women are not weak; it's society that insists on weakening them by locking them in narrow perceptions made by false understandings of how things should be! If anything, women possess more strength than this society gives them credit. Assuming that women are weak, or are constantly seeking sympathy is condescending and demeaning.

Generally all humans tend to seek approval from their peers, and when in pain, some of them find comfort in the average amount of sympathy; nonetheless, at some point sympathy could become the reason why some people would prefer to suffer silently rather than admit their need for support. I believe that some would mistake a constant cry for help, or a need to be understood without being judged as a non-ending thirst for sympathy! It’s not; at least not all the time.

Yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions should never become the norm; we can’t assume that every woman is faking a drama to get attention just because a few other women did! It would be extremely unfair and cruel to deny women in need the help we could possibly give my accepting and supporting them just because we have doubts about their motives. After all, there are ethical norms that should guide each marriage, and each divorce for that matter; and failing to maintain those norms could be the responsibility of both partners, but it is also fairly easy to see when one partner is wronged by the other, genders aside.

That being said, I would like to invite all women, as well as men, who feel that they are stuck in “bad marriages”, who happen to be in the midst of a long divorce procedure, or who have gotten a divorce and have problems adjusting. You’re definitely not alone, and trust me, it’s a phase we all go through day in and day out to survive and it is ok, there are good days just like there are horrible ones. Feel free to share your experience anonymously either on this blog or through email, and be assured that sharing your experience can help others realize that they are not as alone as they might think; perhaps that would be a way to start changing society’s perceptions, who knows!!

On Love, Men, Women, and Generalization

Apparently, love is a universal thing, and it goes without saying that both men and women feel it; isn’t this how they justify a lot of things, especially the irrational ones!! However, I think men and women fall in love and react to it differently. My idea could be some form of generalization; I hate generalization, but let’s admit that it helped a lot of thinkers in figuring out some acknowledged facts about humanity.

I already referred to men before women because of the alphabetical order, but when it comes to my own theories, I will start with women, since I think I know more in this department.

We women build our worlds around our men. Whether we are in love or married, whether we married for love or through arranged marriage, we always priorities them. We stop having our own dreams, and we stop pursuing the plans we once had. WHY?

Is it because this is what society tells us? I know it may sound a little feminist to say that, but I assure you, I am not a feminist!

I can only speak from my own experience here. When I fell in love, I had no eyes for anyone but him; I had no opinions or logic other than his. I chose to make him my eyes and my mind. But when my marriage started falling apart, I questioned my x, I was not afraid of his authority although I was raised by a strict father who allowed no room for me to question his logic or reason, not just because he intimidated me, but also because he provided me a good life, gave me the security and stability I needed. But when the other male figure in my life took away my notion of a good life, shook my stability and ruined my sense of security, I had every reason to rebel against him.

Nonetheless, there was a huge mental and emotional drawback once things started falling apart. It felt like my development had stopped at the age of 19, when I first knew him, and I woke up at the age of 26, wondering where I have been for the past seven years! In addition to my shock, disappointment and confusion, I had to do seven-years worth of catching up. It was painful, and it left me wondering if it was the right thing to do shutting myself away and letting him take full control of my life.

I am not saying we shouldn’t; if some women have done it and found it worth its while, it must leave room for reasonable doubt that nothing is wrong with that. But when it is done for the wrong man, it’s a recipe for failure and a long journey of self doubt, which may not result in self finding.

I wish more women would come and share their experiences, for I spoke of mine, which I found somehow similar to those of some people I know.

Now the men, they never put their women first, NEVER. I have talked to so many of them, and no one, not one said they put his woman first. I know my father never did, I know none of my uncles ever did, I even know my male friends did not, and I am talking about men whom I respect, men who did not fail their families. My x said he put me first all the time, and well, he lied.

The good men say that they put their spouses first by putting their career first, by focusing on providing a better life. I can’t disagree much because I know and understand the burden on men to provide and maintain a stable household. But this leaves the rest of the work to the woman; not just the house responsibilities, but also keeping things alive. It’s a hard job by the way, and if some women lose their heads or fail to keep the marriage interesting, well sorry men, you can try, but I don’t think it will work any better for you.

Yeah, my ideas are too general and not so organized. But isn’t this what we go through in life on daily basis; chaotic general assumptions.

So men, women, tell me… did I make any sense?? If I did not, what makes sense to you??

For the time being, to the women out there, I can only try to give you an educated, yet unbiased advice.

Follow your men, love them, support them, and stand by them… but so not ignore your instincts, do not numb your senses or ignore alarms. Do not stop growing… empower yourselves, educate your selves and make sure you’re walking on solid grounds. Your man can never find that intimidating or threatening, no good man would, whatever a good man is.