Friday, April 11, 2008

Some personal experience

When I started that blog, I knew that at some point I would have to talk about my story, especially if I am expecting other women with similar circumstances to come and share theirs. However, I haven’t yet found a way to say it in short; so until then, I will keep it brief and simple. Who know, perhaps brief and simple is the way to go.

I married for love at a very young age. Getting married was not easy at all given how our families had totally different backgrounds; I mean at first glance you’d think both families share the same social class, but if you take a closer look, you’d see that the social class was not attained the same way. Mind you, I lived every girl’s dream, fell in love with a prince charming and actually married him, yaay me.

It’s fair to say there were good moments; good years to be just. I don’t know what happened then, I am not sure what went wrong and I am not sure where I went wrong. I only know I went wrong because it takes two to tango, and it would be extremely unfair to say that it was all him, despite how much I despise him now.

He fooled around, and when I found out, he turned the tables on me and made me feel inadequate to an extreme that I ended up apologizing. He then made up stories about how I got it all wrong so that when I had time to think things through I wouldn’t catch his bluff; and I believed him, not because he was that good a liar, but because I wanted to believe him. A year later, I found solid proof that he was lying and confronted him, and it simply went down hill from there.

I couldn’t look him in the eye without seeing the person who lied to my face and made me apologize when it was him who was mistaken. I couldn’t trust the person who made me doubt my own senses and logic. I just knew that if I was ever to fall, he won’t be there to catch me.

As it turns out, men sense those kinds of negative feelings, and let’s say I was not even subtle about them. At some point, we simply drifted apart. I sat him down and told him I could no longer feel the warmth I once felt in his arms and asked him to divorce me if he no longer cared for me the way he once did. He wasn’t rational about it and he acted like I was crazy saying that. I wish he really took the time that day to consider an amicable divorce.

He cheated on me; he broke my heart to little pieces when it had not even recovered from losing faith in him. I could feel it from day one; they say a woman knows, and they are right. I asked him over and over, I begged him not to hurt me and to just let me go, but he always accused me of being delusional and turned the table, he was really good, but I had already learnt to trust my instincts more than him.

When his cover was blown, his foolish male ego couldn’t handle my righteousness, and let’s say I did not win that one gracefully. It was simply ugly, but that’s how it felt all along, and that’s what I want to share today.

Being ignored, two timed, or cheated on by a husband is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman, or at least one of the worst things. When the man you love, the one you chose to spend your best years with forsakes you that way, it makes you feel so worthless. And that’s what I could ever get over since the first time I knew he had eyes for someone else and he actually said the L word to someone else.

Ever since, I always felt like I was missing something, and it dramatically diminished my self worth. I felt ugly, I felt very conscious about my looks and appearance, I no longer had that much faith in my brains and my logic, and I continuously felt inadequate. It took me quite some time to get that out of my system and know who I really am and what I am made of, and most importantly accept and embrace it.

This is what I want to say, to every woman who stumbles upon this:

You are not ugly or stupid or dull, divorce does not make you any of that. The fact that you felt less appealing to your man, does not mean that you are; may be he just lost interest because you’re already there and he misses the action or the extra attention or whatever gets him off. But it is not necessarily you.

Take the time to discover your own beauty, the beauty you know you possess. Go out with your friends and people who actually value you for who you are and I assure you, you will feel beautiful inside out.

Look at your kids, and see how cute they are, well, they are 50% you, so they must have taken some of that cuteness from you.

You’re not inadequate, if you are no longer a “functioning” wife, you are definitely still a woman, and perhaps a mother, and there must be a lot of other good things going for you, so just take the time to recognize them and appreciate them.



God bless.

4 comments:

farida said...

thanks for sharing us your story
I totally know that feeing when you live for years thinking that your man is the most important thing you have
& when you lose him .. when you lose his love the unstability phase starts & the woman keep thinking may be I wasn't good enough

oh dear
I don't know why some thimes life seems to be so unfair but my faith in god makes me sure there's something about it I just can't see

you are welcomed to quote the poem
as long as you say it's mine
:)

thanks for letting me know your blog & thanks that you see my words well written

cheers

Mental said...

Very touching. I don't know where to start, but I know that man. I know so many like him, and I worry if he's inside every man.

What is it about us men that makes us want to continually seek women? The guys I know are not "bad" people, they do everything "right", their wives are near perfect, but they still go out and look at other women.

And they completely underestimate
how much it affects their girlfriends/wives.

I don't know how to explain it, or if I should even try to. All I know is when I was in Egypt last summer I realized that just like I know guys that do this, I know many girls that have it done to them. And like you, it's painful, and it's a permanent lesson in trust. Some choose to end the marriage, others choose to give him "one more chance."

If you don't mind, I'd like to talk to you more about it. Feel free to email me.

a divorcette said...

farida :)

well, it's an honor my quoted poet visited :)) thanks, for both, the poem and the comment :)

yeah well, i lived a few years believing he was all the meaning to my life, this is why it took me quite some time to grasp that it was over...

i don't think i lost his love... well may be, but i know he lost my trust and respect... and of course my love...

i kept asking myself "what's wrong with me" for two years!! and this is what i could never forgive him for, making me doubt myself... making me unable to appreciate who i am!

well, life is fair...it's humans who are not i suppose... but things eventually work out, things happen for a reason in the bigger scheme of things... we just have to have faith like u said :)

and thee poem is posted dear... thanks again :)

a divorcette said...

mental...

don't take this the wrong way, but i knew it was a man when i read the nick!!! women usually use different terms describing their mentalness :)))

how can u say that? what are you leaving me to say now!! am i supposed to defend men bema enn a lot of men r that way :))

seriously now :) i admit i find it hard to trust men, but i would hate to submit to the thought that all men are that way...

why would any man -or woman for that matter- have the home and the spouse he/she married for love and would go try other options!

i think "boredom" and "daily routine" are words we took from other cultures without even understanding how those cultures developed them... this does not mean i am against any other culture, i just hate it when people repeat things like they know what they mean, but they don't...

i say if you have a problem with ur spouse, talk it through, if you think it could be solved or the relationship is worth working on, then go for it, if not, end things the right way and spare every one the trouble!!

that is what i expect a MAN to do... to walk out in a dignified manner, not like a coward...

and i am in no way defending women who behave that way... but if society allows men to cheat and get away with it, then where does that leave women...

it should not be about gender... wrong is wrong, ur being man or woman does not justify it in any way!!

the man who cheats, cheats with a woman... and in Islam, they are both punished the same way; the punishment only depends on the marital status of each... ya3ne mesh on their gender.... but in our society "el ragel may3eboosh gheer geeboh"!!! yes, i have been told that!! it's absurd.

feel free to talk all you want about it... you're most welcomed to :)