Pride and Stupid Ego

A couple of weeks back I stumbled on this, and since then, and due to so many things going around, a few thoughts have been coming and going…

When is a marriage not worth fighting for?

In our faiths, marriage is what a couple should fight for, it’s not something a couple should give up on just because they don’t get along; there has to be good substantial reasons for a couple to end the marriage. However, our society makes staying in a marriage –especially a bad one-, a holly mission, for all the wrong reasons! You stay, you’re a martyr… you leave, you’re a coward!

And no one wants to be a coward; we all seek pride in that sacrifice, even if it’s nothing really but stupid ego! That’s why a lot of people in our society never stop to evaluate their decisions, to know if their marriage is working the way it should be or it’s just a futile attempt to keep false pretenses of a good life. Makes me wonder how staying in a bad marriage is supposed to make one a better person when every bit of good dies day after day?!
When a husband says straight forward that he would not grant a divorce, when he abusively threatens to use all his power and authority as a husband to make you miserable if you dare ask for a divorce? Is that a man worth wasting one breath with?! I mean, what kind of life with such a man could possibly be worth living? Marriage is hard, that’s why we’re urged to fight for it, but it has to be worth it, it has to be with a good person who shares it because it just does not need to be any harder.

When a wife uses her own kids to pressure her husband to stay in a marriage of which he has grown tired, does that make her feel loved and wanted? Does that make her feel like a winner that she has a man who would probably end up cheating on her because he can’t leave her? That’s not fighting for a marriage, that’s ruining a marriage and refusing to admit it.

When did people lose sight of that line between pride and stupid ego?! The line was never thin, and pride is something entirely different from stupid ego; if anything, each leads to different consequences. Pride makes you know when you can take no more abuse and walk away with your dignity intact to start a new life, even if against all odds, while stupid ego makes you insist on staying despite all the signs, and sometimes makes you abusive of your spouse making them stay when both of you should know better. When did society promote being egotistic rather than being proud?!

Qanun El A7wal El Sha7’seya!

I was searching the web for an article I heard of to write my next post, when I stumbled upon those two articles here and here about the expected new amendments in The Personal Affairs Law; I had to read it and postpone the post I had in mind for later, after this one!

Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!

But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!

Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!

There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!

I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…


On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:

Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!

On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:

It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!

On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:

Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.

On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:

Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!

On Custody Rights:

Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!

On Khol3:

There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.


I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)

The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.

Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.

So basically our legal system is flawed and our society kind of sucks…

I normally do not follow talk shows, especially Egyptian ones where people simply keep interrupting one another until you get migraines. However, as I mentioned in my previous post, I stumbled upon a rerun about young divorced women in the Egyptian society and how un-accepting society is of them. The show had segments of random people saying how they perceive divorced women and how they would feel if their son/brother decides marrying one.

The guest was a female da3eya who also happens to be lawyer specialized in divorce cases. I am not a big fan of that woman, because I tend to find her way too… unrefined is the word I guess! However, perhaps the topic hit one sore nerve, I sat down and watched.

She said a couple of phrases that I actually liked; this is not the actual quote, but rather the closest translation to it…

Divorcee is a mere description of a status of a person; it does not define the person in any way. It’s a shame that our society treats it like a taboo or a contagious disease when God has intended it to be a relief after the pain and agony of a dead-end marriage!!

Sadly enough, in our society people always assume divorce is the woman’s fault! Perhaps that’s why it has been labeled abghad al halal, because of the negative impact it has on the divorcee; it is bagheed because we make the divorcee feel like a social outcast by rejecting her and denying her the right of dreaming of a better life.

When a young man tells his family that he wishes to marry a divorcee, especially if she has kids, his family’s reaction is most likely to be rejection! All they see is the ‘title’ and they judge her based on that; they disregard her other qualities and deny her the opportunity of a decent life, which may lead to other humiliating alternatives like civil or secret marriage, and sometimes even adultery, not that any of it is justified that way.

And as if that was not enough, the law is not even fair in that department. A divorcee automatically loses her custody rights once she remarries! Custody is transferred to either her mom or the x-husband who could already be absent, only he would use that law to spite and humiliate his x-wife!!

In such a judgmental society, and with such an impotent legal system, what do we expect divorced women to do, how do we expect them to make a decent living for themselves and their children when we start closing all legitimate doors. Divorce has become the new scarlet letter for women in our time of age.

People claim that it is the woman’s job to maintain the household, and to do her sole mission she must endure whatever hardships her husband puts her through; yes, patience is a virtue and God rewards the patient, but sadly, it leaves room for abusive husbands to take their abuse to the next level, and that is plain oppression. I have seen women who endure horrors because they are too afraid of being labeled ‘Divorcee’; how devastating is that? It’s even worse when those very same women are the first to judge their divorced sisters who stood up for their humanity and chose the hard way and chose to support themselves and their kids away from such husbands who normally never take any kind of responsibility, on the contrary they make divorce procedures longer and more expensive.

Again, it’s not just the society, it’s our legal system that makes the vicious circle of abuse continues! The moment any divorced women submits her ID for whatever purpose and people read her marital status as ‘Divorcee’, they start forming an opinion which may affect the way they treat her, it’s just sick and twisted, and unfortunately, it happens every day.

Yep, it was like salt into a wound that has not yet been healed! But seeing that someone out there spoke of what I secretly feared helped a little bit, especially that more segments showed that some people are actually more willing to be tolerant, or at least claimed they were. Some people practically said that they would picture that divorcee as a daughter or a sister, and that such a misfortune was more like an accident; it would only change in a person as much as that person allows it.

It is painfully sad to think, even for a while there, that despite how some people still think positively about the whole thing, and how people do some efforts to channel how unfair our society and legal system are, very little can be really changed. However, who knows, may be if more women start realizing that they are not alone, that some people –even if a few- can give that much acceptance, they would be able to maintain their strength and survive the painful drawbacks of ending a doomed marriage.


*The name of the show ad the guest was not disclosed since no consent was received from their end to publish this material.

**The part in italics is mere translation of my own general understanding of what the guest had said; it is in no way her own words or expressions.

Divorce, What’s Islam’s take?

Divorce is the official end of a marriage. That’s the simplest definition really! No, I haven’t checked a dictionary, I just wrote it off the top of my head.

I don’t know about other religions, I am not even properly educated enough to talk about or represent my own religion. Therefore I have done some online browsing for the proper rules of divorce as per Islam.

It says here that proper justifications for a divorce could be sterility of either the husband or the wife, either one of them is terminally ill which is negatively affecting his spouse’s life to an unbearable extreme, or the husband could simply be abusive and impossible to live with.

Nonetheless, the drawbacks of divorce cannot be ignored since it has a negative impact on the husband financially, it may cause the wife to suffer both emotionally and financially and could leave her an easy victim to sin, and finally its effect on the children is dramatic! Therefore, it should be limited to cases where the marriage reaches a dead-end.

It was basically a good an informative read despite how confusing it sort of got when it came to how accepted/frowned upon divorce is in Islam; however, I guess it is basically because each and every case has its own context.

My browsing then took me there where the fatwa says that a woman is completely entitled to getting a divorce from an abusive husband.

I couldn’t help but stop there because I was too curious to know what the sheikh would say to a woman who has no affection whatsoever towards her husband, actually resents him is more of the word, yet chooses to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids. I am ashamed to say that I was rather disappointed to read that the fatwa implied that she should be more patient and try to find ways to love her husband and continue living with him, when it was mentioned right here that:

“The wife of Thabit ibn Qais ibn Shammas came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Messenger! I do not blame Thabit for any defects in his character or his religion, but I am afraid that I (being a Muslim) may become unthankful for Allah's blessings." On that, Allah's Messenger said (to her), "Will you return his garden to him?" She said, "Yes." So she returned his garden to him and the Prophet told him to divorce her. (Al-Bukhari 7:63, no. 199)”

It’s fair to say that all these iformation has left me too confused to sleep properly until I had awaken up the next day to stumble into a rerun of a talk show about the same topic from both the religious and the legal points of view!!

But that’s for my next post...

What is a Good Marriage?

It hit me that before I start talking about divorce, I should first say something about marriage; not so bright after all I guess!!

And because I am such a lazy bum who is too lazy to do the necessary research, I thought I would ask a fairly religious friend of mine who is within the same age category about what good healthy marriage is, from religion’s point of view.

And just to avoid the possibility of him thinking it was the beginning of another cynical rant, I told him about that friend of mine, and how I thought she was miserable, yet I would never share my opinion with her because after all, I do not know what good marriage is.

His reply was so overwhelming, it inspired me to start working on this blog and put it as a first entry, perhaps just to clarify that I am not just another bitter anti-marriage and pro-divorce person… it’s basically an unofficial quote of what a friend of his told him about his own experience as a newly wed. Here it goes

“I thought by getting married, one would be safer from fitna; however, it turned out to be that once you’re married, there is more room for it.

You see, it’s not about flirting with other women and fantasizing them like you would expect; it’s more about how El Shetan bey2assy 2alby 3ala meraty.

Like when I am home late and she’s a bit grumpy and more likely to start an argument, I would feel the unexplainable urge to take the argument to the next level and start a fight, sometimes it even happened!!

But when I took my time to think about it, I came to the realization that I shouldn’t fight with her because she’s upset I am not spending enough time with her… I mean heya leeha meen gheery to keep her company, watch out for her, take good care of her, and protect her… if I start fighting over the smallest of things and saying mean or harsh words that wouldn’t solve our problems, but instead would make her hurt and cry, who would she have to make her feel better… heya fel awel we fel akher amana fe re2abty we mas2oola menny”

My friend then explained that if both parties think that way before they start dwelling some more on the fighting, if they just take the time to think of the obligations towards one another rather than their rights, if they yera3o rabena fe ba3d, marriage would be more like what God intended for it to be!!

And this was when my friend told me “oleely enty ba2a, what do YOU think is a good marriage??”… That was one of the few times I was left speechless!!