Pride and Stupid Ego

A couple of weeks back I stumbled on this, and since then, and due to so many things going around, a few thoughts have been coming and going…

When is a marriage not worth fighting for?

In our faiths, marriage is what a couple should fight for, it’s not something a couple should give up on just because they don’t get along; there has to be good substantial reasons for a couple to end the marriage. However, our society makes staying in a marriage –especially a bad one-, a holly mission, for all the wrong reasons! You stay, you’re a martyr… you leave, you’re a coward!

And no one wants to be a coward; we all seek pride in that sacrifice, even if it’s nothing really but stupid ego! That’s why a lot of people in our society never stop to evaluate their decisions, to know if their marriage is working the way it should be or it’s just a futile attempt to keep false pretenses of a good life. Makes me wonder how staying in a bad marriage is supposed to make one a better person when every bit of good dies day after day?!
When a husband says straight forward that he would not grant a divorce, when he abusively threatens to use all his power and authority as a husband to make you miserable if you dare ask for a divorce? Is that a man worth wasting one breath with?! I mean, what kind of life with such a man could possibly be worth living? Marriage is hard, that’s why we’re urged to fight for it, but it has to be worth it, it has to be with a good person who shares it because it just does not need to be any harder.

When a wife uses her own kids to pressure her husband to stay in a marriage of which he has grown tired, does that make her feel loved and wanted? Does that make her feel like a winner that she has a man who would probably end up cheating on her because he can’t leave her? That’s not fighting for a marriage, that’s ruining a marriage and refusing to admit it.

When did people lose sight of that line between pride and stupid ego?! The line was never thin, and pride is something entirely different from stupid ego; if anything, each leads to different consequences. Pride makes you know when you can take no more abuse and walk away with your dignity intact to start a new life, even if against all odds, while stupid ego makes you insist on staying despite all the signs, and sometimes makes you abusive of your spouse making them stay when both of you should know better. When did society promote being egotistic rather than being proud?!

An overdue apology and a comeback!

I admit that I have abandoned this blog for a very long time. For that, I apologize. I have been overwhelmed by how society and the system fail to bring justice to those who need it. I guess for a while there I forgot that the main purpose for that blog was to try and change how unfair society can be and how lame the system is, even if all I did was write words for people to read.

Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be a better support system for women undergoing divorce to help them out of bad marriages and help them overcome its shocking consequences. A good idea that needs an action plan if I may say; I have to say, it spoke to me and made me more enthusiastic about wanting to make a difference, like when I wrote my very first post on this blog.

Surprisingly, three days ago, a friend I made through blogging contacted me asking for “legal advice” for her friend since I come off as somewhat experienced as far as crappy marriages go! Although my “advice” was barely useful from a legal perspective, my friend said that it had a positive impact on her friend’s mood and that it made her less intimidated by the whole thing. The thought that I had something to do, even as minor as it is made me believe again that there is something that can be done; it somehow retrieved my faith in the power of words, not that I reall lost it.

Last but not the least, my dear friend and blog partner, Rasha, sent me message asking me to stop slacking around and start working with her on that blog. God bless you girl :)

So here are a couple of things I wanted to say as at Jessy’s but I guess I was afraid I would come off as rude to any of her commenters…

Women in our society need a support system, a valid one that makes them feel accepted rather than condemn them for their choice to end a bad marriage. It is quite understandable why any society would frown upon divorce; however, intimidating women and labeling them for wanting a misery-free life is not the answer to happy stable homes. I would like to believe that providing educated unbiased advice would do more good than bad, even if the outcome is “ab3’ad al 7alal”.

A support system does not mean by any chance that women are naturally weak. Women are not weak; it's society that insists on weakening them by locking them in narrow perceptions made by false understandings of how things should be! If anything, women possess more strength than this society gives them credit. Assuming that women are weak, or are constantly seeking sympathy is condescending and demeaning.

Generally all humans tend to seek approval from their peers, and when in pain, some of them find comfort in the average amount of sympathy; nonetheless, at some point sympathy could become the reason why some people would prefer to suffer silently rather than admit their need for support. I believe that some would mistake a constant cry for help, or a need to be understood without being judged as a non-ending thirst for sympathy! It’s not; at least not all the time.

Yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions should never become the norm; we can’t assume that every woman is faking a drama to get attention just because a few other women did! It would be extremely unfair and cruel to deny women in need the help we could possibly give my accepting and supporting them just because we have doubts about their motives. After all, there are ethical norms that should guide each marriage, and each divorce for that matter; and failing to maintain those norms could be the responsibility of both partners, but it is also fairly easy to see when one partner is wronged by the other, genders aside.

That being said, I would like to invite all women, as well as men, who feel that they are stuck in “bad marriages”, who happen to be in the midst of a long divorce procedure, or who have gotten a divorce and have problems adjusting. You’re definitely not alone, and trust me, it’s a phase we all go through day in and day out to survive and it is ok, there are good days just like there are horrible ones. Feel free to share your experience anonymously either on this blog or through email, and be assured that sharing your experience can help others realize that they are not as alone as they might think; perhaps that would be a way to start changing society’s perceptions, who knows!!

Qanun El A7wal El Sha7’seya!

I was searching the web for an article I heard of to write my next post, when I stumbled upon those two articles here and here about the expected new amendments in The Personal Affairs Law; I had to read it and postpone the post I had in mind for later, after this one!

Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!

But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!

Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!

There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!

I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…


On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:

Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!

On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:

It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!

On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:

Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.

On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:

Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!

On Custody Rights:

Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!

On Khol3:

There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.


I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)

The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.

Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.

To All the Women... and the Men

I wish I had words that describe this poem, but words fail me!! So all I will say is that it's written by Farida.

في بلادي تبكي النساء
في بلادي النساء تجيد البكاء
و أنا و للأسف أكره طعم الدموع
وأكره نحيب المساء
قبلك كنت عصية الدمع
و معك صرت مثل كل النساء

......في بلادي النساء لاتجيد الرحيل و تدمن البقاء
الشكوى و العويل
أفضل من البعد و الانطواء
و انا عزيزي لا أخشى الرحيل
و لا احب دور شهيدة الشقاء
......

في بلادي النساء تؤمن بالرجل
ظل و سند وبقاء
و انا أؤمن بالقدر
و في إيماني سلام وصفاء
و كيف أخشى غد أوبشر
و معي الله خالق و رب وقضاء
سأرحل إن أراد لي الرحيل
و لن انظر للوراء
...

في بلادي النساء تجلد النساء
ألسنة طويله..كذب و افتراء
سأراهم إذا ما استدرت يتهامسون
و سأسمع الكلمات الحمقاء
سيصير جمالي أكبر لعنة
تدفعني للإنزواء
من عيون رجال جائعة
و خوف من ظنها بي قد ساء
لأني حملت لقب مطلقه
و غلالة الهتك صارت رداء
.........

سيقولون تركت ..و يقولون تٌركت
سيقولون خسرت.. و يقولون خٌسرت
و سنصير أحاديث صباح ومساء
كما قالوا في عشقنا قبلا
أساطير تشبه قصص عهد البيداء
ووالله ماصدقونا خبرا
و ماطالنا سوى حسد البغضاء

و هانحن كنا و ياليت ما كنا
و ياليت ماكان قبل الهجر لقاء
لكنني امرأة تؤمن بالقدر
و في إيماني أجمل عزاء
و لقد عشقتك يوم جئت تطلبني
ولست انا ممن تعشق في الخفاء
فالحرة ان أرادت رجلا
سلمته مقاليدها
فأسر زوج خير من حرية البغاء
أردتك و استمتعت بك دهرا
جئتني نعمة و ذهبت عني.. ابتلاء
....

وفي بلادرمز عزتها شوارب
لنا الله نحن بنات حواء
الرجل لا يخشى هجر خليلة
فكل النساء له سواء
لا يعيبه عمر ..لا يٌنقصه ظرف
و يأخذ عذراء تلو العذراء
أما من مثلي فقدت زهوتها
لزوج ماصان عهد ولا وفاء
فأسلم لها ان ترضى بقسمتها
ففي الغد مجهول يخشاه العقلاء
و الجدات تحكي عن كل من طلبت
سعادة بعد تعاسه و كيف خاب رجاء
و من نعرفه افضل ممن نجهله
و من ترجو خير في الرجال حمقاء
....

في بلادي مملكة جهل ذكوريه
صنعتها و للأسف.. نساء
فما طالت قامات الرجال إلا عندما ادمن جواريهن الانحناء
و ماشاع بين ذوات الكيد ظلم إلا عندما نسين رب السماء
و انا عزيزي لست بمتمرده
و لا أنا في عهد الأنبياء
و لا أنا كارهة لبني جنسك
و لا أنا اقوى من كل الضعفاء
أنا ببساطة امرأة تؤمن بالقدر
وفي ايماني غاية الاستكفاء
في ايماني غاية الاستكفاء

بقلم
فريده سعد

So basically our legal system is flawed and our society kind of sucks…

I normally do not follow talk shows, especially Egyptian ones where people simply keep interrupting one another until you get migraines. However, as I mentioned in my previous post, I stumbled upon a rerun about young divorced women in the Egyptian society and how un-accepting society is of them. The show had segments of random people saying how they perceive divorced women and how they would feel if their son/brother decides marrying one.

The guest was a female da3eya who also happens to be lawyer specialized in divorce cases. I am not a big fan of that woman, because I tend to find her way too… unrefined is the word I guess! However, perhaps the topic hit one sore nerve, I sat down and watched.

She said a couple of phrases that I actually liked; this is not the actual quote, but rather the closest translation to it…

Divorcee is a mere description of a status of a person; it does not define the person in any way. It’s a shame that our society treats it like a taboo or a contagious disease when God has intended it to be a relief after the pain and agony of a dead-end marriage!!

Sadly enough, in our society people always assume divorce is the woman’s fault! Perhaps that’s why it has been labeled abghad al halal, because of the negative impact it has on the divorcee; it is bagheed because we make the divorcee feel like a social outcast by rejecting her and denying her the right of dreaming of a better life.

When a young man tells his family that he wishes to marry a divorcee, especially if she has kids, his family’s reaction is most likely to be rejection! All they see is the ‘title’ and they judge her based on that; they disregard her other qualities and deny her the opportunity of a decent life, which may lead to other humiliating alternatives like civil or secret marriage, and sometimes even adultery, not that any of it is justified that way.

And as if that was not enough, the law is not even fair in that department. A divorcee automatically loses her custody rights once she remarries! Custody is transferred to either her mom or the x-husband who could already be absent, only he would use that law to spite and humiliate his x-wife!!

In such a judgmental society, and with such an impotent legal system, what do we expect divorced women to do, how do we expect them to make a decent living for themselves and their children when we start closing all legitimate doors. Divorce has become the new scarlet letter for women in our time of age.

People claim that it is the woman’s job to maintain the household, and to do her sole mission she must endure whatever hardships her husband puts her through; yes, patience is a virtue and God rewards the patient, but sadly, it leaves room for abusive husbands to take their abuse to the next level, and that is plain oppression. I have seen women who endure horrors because they are too afraid of being labeled ‘Divorcee’; how devastating is that? It’s even worse when those very same women are the first to judge their divorced sisters who stood up for their humanity and chose the hard way and chose to support themselves and their kids away from such husbands who normally never take any kind of responsibility, on the contrary they make divorce procedures longer and more expensive.

Again, it’s not just the society, it’s our legal system that makes the vicious circle of abuse continues! The moment any divorced women submits her ID for whatever purpose and people read her marital status as ‘Divorcee’, they start forming an opinion which may affect the way they treat her, it’s just sick and twisted, and unfortunately, it happens every day.

Yep, it was like salt into a wound that has not yet been healed! But seeing that someone out there spoke of what I secretly feared helped a little bit, especially that more segments showed that some people are actually more willing to be tolerant, or at least claimed they were. Some people practically said that they would picture that divorcee as a daughter or a sister, and that such a misfortune was more like an accident; it would only change in a person as much as that person allows it.

It is painfully sad to think, even for a while there, that despite how some people still think positively about the whole thing, and how people do some efforts to channel how unfair our society and legal system are, very little can be really changed. However, who knows, may be if more women start realizing that they are not alone, that some people –even if a few- can give that much acceptance, they would be able to maintain their strength and survive the painful drawbacks of ending a doomed marriage.


*The name of the show ad the guest was not disclosed since no consent was received from their end to publish this material.

**The part in italics is mere translation of my own general understanding of what the guest had said; it is in no way her own words or expressions.