Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Listen to yourself
Motivational speeches don’t do it for me, although this one will sound like one! Ironic.
If you’re going through a bad marriage or a horrible prolonging divorce, you probably need all the help, advice, and opinions you could get to help you decide or help you have peace with your decision. It’s ok to ask for people’s advice, it’s ok to get all the self-help books you can put your hand on, but for the love of God, don’t let advice or books block your own thoughts and instincts from getting to you.
Listen to yourself. Don’t look for comforts in other people’s words that tell you things you want to believe. Listen to advice, but only do by it when you think you’re ready; otherwise, you’ll never really move on, and your ghosts will keep haunting you and pulling you back from you approval-induced happy place back to your misery.
My dad always says: “la nadema man estashar, wala khaba man istakhar” (or the other way around, it always confuses me) but he also says “nakhod bel asbab”, and no one would know your reasons or understand them more than you.
Sorry if it’s too brief and direct to the extent that it almost feels like a slap on the face, it’s not!! But sometimes it’s better to get things that way to make sure they don’t get confusing or boring.
End of transmission.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Pride and Stupid Ego
A couple of weeks back I stumbled on this, and since then, and due to so many things going around, a few thoughts have been coming and going…
When is a marriage not worth fighting for?
In our faiths, marriage is what a couple should fight for, it’s not something a couple should give up on just because they don’t get along; there has to be good substantial reasons for a couple to end the marriage. However, our society makes staying in a marriage –especially a bad one-, a holly mission, for all the wrong reasons! You stay, you’re a martyr… you leave, you’re a coward!
And no one wants to be a coward; we all seek pride in that sacrifice, even if it’s nothing really but stupid ego! That’s why a lot of people in our society never stop to evaluate their decisions, to know if their marriage is working the way it should be or it’s just a futile attempt to keep false pretenses of a good life. Makes me wonder how staying in a bad marriage is supposed to make one a better person when every bit of good dies day after day?!
When a husband says straight forward that he would not grant a divorce, when he abusively threatens to use all his power and authority as a husband to make you miserable if you dare ask for a divorce? Is that a man worth wasting one breath with?! I mean, what kind of life with such a man could possibly be worth living? Marriage is hard, that’s why we’re urged to fight for it, but it has to be worth it, it has to be with a good person who shares it because it just does not need to be any harder.
When a wife uses her own kids to pressure her husband to stay in a marriage of which he has grown tired, does that make her feel loved and wanted? Does that make her feel like a winner that she has a man who would probably end up cheating on her because he can’t leave her? That’s not fighting for a marriage, that’s ruining a marriage and refusing to admit it.
When did people lose sight of that line between pride and stupid ego?! The line was never thin, and pride is something entirely different from stupid ego; if anything, each leads to different consequences. Pride makes you know when you can take no more abuse and walk away with your dignity intact to start a new life, even if against all odds, while stupid ego makes you insist on staying despite all the signs, and sometimes makes you abusive of your spouse making them stay when both of you should know better. When did society promote being egotistic rather than being proud?!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
An overdue apology and a comeback!
I admit that I have abandoned this blog for a very long time. For that, I apologize. I have been overwhelmed by how society and the system fail to bring justice to those who need it. I guess for a while there I forgot that the main purpose for that blog was to try and change how unfair society can be and how lame the system is, even if all I did was write words for people to read.
Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be a better support system for women undergoing divorce to help them out of bad marriages and help them overcome its shocking consequences. A good idea that needs an action plan if I may say; I have to say, it spoke to me and made me more enthusiastic about wanting to make a difference, like when I wrote my very first post on this blog.
Surprisingly, three days ago, a friend I made through blogging contacted me asking for “legal advice” for her friend since I come off as somewhat experienced as far as crappy marriages go! Although my “advice” was barely useful from a legal perspective, my friend said that it had a positive impact on her friend’s mood and that it made her less intimidated by the whole thing. The thought that I had something to do, even as minor as it is made me believe again that there is something that can be done; it somehow retrieved my faith in the power of words, not that I reall lost it.
Last but not the least, my dear friend and blog partner, Rasha, sent me message asking me to stop slacking around and start working with her on that blog. God bless you girl :)
So here are a couple of things I wanted to say as at Jessy’s but I guess I was afraid I would come off as rude to any of her commenters…
Women in our society need a support system, a valid one that makes them feel accepted rather than condemn them for their choice to end a bad marriage. It is quite understandable why any society would frown upon divorce; however, intimidating women and labeling them for wanting a misery-free life is not the answer to happy stable homes. I would like to believe that providing educated unbiased advice would do more good than bad, even if the outcome is “ab3’ad al 7alal”.
A support system does not mean by any chance that women are naturally weak. Women are not weak; it's society that insists on weakening them by locking them in narrow perceptions made by false understandings of how things should be! If anything, women possess more strength than this society gives them credit. Assuming that women are weak, or are constantly seeking sympathy is condescending and demeaning.
Generally all humans tend to seek approval from their peers, and when in pain, some of them find comfort in the average amount of sympathy; nonetheless, at some point sympathy could become the reason why some people would prefer to suffer silently rather than admit their need for support. I believe that some would mistake a constant cry for help, or a need to be understood without being judged as a non-ending thirst for sympathy! It’s not; at least not all the time.
Yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions should never become the norm; we can’t assume that every woman is faking a drama to get attention just because a few other women did! It would be extremely unfair and cruel to deny women in need the help we could possibly give my accepting and supporting them just because we have doubts about their motives. After all, there are ethical norms that should guide each marriage, and each divorce for that matter; and failing to maintain those norms could be the responsibility of both partners, but it is also fairly easy to see when one partner is wronged by the other, genders aside.
That being said, I would like to invite all women, as well as men, who feel that they are stuck in “bad marriages”, who happen to be in the midst of a long divorce procedure, or who have gotten a divorce and have problems adjusting. You’re definitely not alone, and trust me, it’s a phase we all go through day in and day out to survive and it is ok, there are good days just like there are horrible ones. Feel free to share your experience anonymously either on this blog or through email, and be assured that sharing your experience can help others realize that they are not as alone as they might think; perhaps that would be a way to start changing society’s perceptions, who knows!!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Qanun El A7wal El Sha7’seya!
I was searching the web for an article I heard of to write my next post, when I stumbled upon those two articles here and here about the expected new amendments in The Personal Affairs Law; I had to read it and postpone the post I had in mind for later, after this one!
Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!
But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!
Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!
There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!
I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…
On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:
Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!
On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:
It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!
On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:
Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.
On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:
Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!
On Custody Rights:
Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!
On Khol3:
There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.
I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)
The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.
Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.
Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!
But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!
Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!
There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!
I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…
On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:
Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!
On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:
It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!
On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:
Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.
On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:
Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!
On Custody Rights:
Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!
On Khol3:
There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.
I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)
The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.
Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Why Divorce?!
I can't start giving my two cents ( or rather two ersh as I'm proud to be a slang Egyptian ) before thanking Divorcette for allowing me to share on this blog.
I think it's a great Idea to support divorced or about to be divorced women...who knows, maybe men too!
The first Question that comes to mind whenever i hear someone saying that they're thinking about divorce or filing for divorce is WHY!
In my opinion it's a life changing step that has to be weighed realistically putting in mind - consciously - the pros and cons especially if kids are involved.
So, here's my list of legitimate reasons in my opinion:
I think it's a great Idea to support divorced or about to be divorced women...who knows, maybe men too!
The first Question that comes to mind whenever i hear someone saying that they're thinking about divorce or filing for divorce is WHY!
In my opinion it's a life changing step that has to be weighed realistically putting in mind - consciously - the pros and cons especially if kids are involved.
So, here's my list of legitimate reasons in my opinion:
- Adultery
- Abuse: constant moral abuse / physical abuse
- Hate: my test for that one is: If you wish you were dead the moment you hear his keys turn in the door!
- Drugs : Master of disaster
- Homosexuality turn ons/ practices
- Doesn't provide for his kids ( it's always a sign of more sever cheapness )
- Dead In bed ( In case you're not frigid )
Well, I can go on forever till i end up with the most famous reason to call the whole thing off: You say tomato...he says Oo6ah :D
Never mind girls just trying to lighten up 'cause I started to get a lil' bit anxious.
Please feel free to add...
Bottom line is: Make sure you didn't think of divorce because your not so loving friend fueled you against him or because your best friend is enjoying the Mercedes her husband gave her...That would be a lame answer to the question WHY...and that ain't worth splitting your kids' heart.
In my case, It wasn't just one reason of the mentioned above and that's WHY I stood up against EVERYBODY I know - except for my mom to be accurate - and said NO, I won't take it.
But that's another story....
Friday, April 11, 2008
Some personal experience
When I started that blog, I knew that at some point I would have to talk about my story, especially if I am expecting other women with similar circumstances to come and share theirs. However, I haven’t yet found a way to say it in short; so until then, I will keep it brief and simple. Who know, perhaps brief and simple is the way to go.
I married for love at a very young age. Getting married was not easy at all given how our families had totally different backgrounds; I mean at first glance you’d think both families share the same social class, but if you take a closer look, you’d see that the social class was not attained the same way. Mind you, I lived every girl’s dream, fell in love with a prince charming and actually married him, yaay me.
It’s fair to say there were good moments; good years to be just. I don’t know what happened then, I am not sure what went wrong and I am not sure where I went wrong. I only know I went wrong because it takes two to tango, and it would be extremely unfair to say that it was all him, despite how much I despise him now.
He fooled around, and when I found out, he turned the tables on me and made me feel inadequate to an extreme that I ended up apologizing. He then made up stories about how I got it all wrong so that when I had time to think things through I wouldn’t catch his bluff; and I believed him, not because he was that good a liar, but because I wanted to believe him. A year later, I found solid proof that he was lying and confronted him, and it simply went down hill from there.
I couldn’t look him in the eye without seeing the person who lied to my face and made me apologize when it was him who was mistaken. I couldn’t trust the person who made me doubt my own senses and logic. I just knew that if I was ever to fall, he won’t be there to catch me.
As it turns out, men sense those kinds of negative feelings, and let’s say I was not even subtle about them. At some point, we simply drifted apart. I sat him down and told him I could no longer feel the warmth I once felt in his arms and asked him to divorce me if he no longer cared for me the way he once did. He wasn’t rational about it and he acted like I was crazy saying that. I wish he really took the time that day to consider an amicable divorce.
He cheated on me; he broke my heart to little pieces when it had not even recovered from losing faith in him. I could feel it from day one; they say a woman knows, and they are right. I asked him over and over, I begged him not to hurt me and to just let me go, but he always accused me of being delusional and turned the table, he was really good, but I had already learnt to trust my instincts more than him.
When his cover was blown, his foolish male ego couldn’t handle my righteousness, and let’s say I did not win that one gracefully. It was simply ugly, but that’s how it felt all along, and that’s what I want to share today.
Being ignored, two timed, or cheated on by a husband is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman, or at least one of the worst things. When the man you love, the one you chose to spend your best years with forsakes you that way, it makes you feel so worthless. And that’s what I could ever get over since the first time I knew he had eyes for someone else and he actually said the L word to someone else.
Ever since, I always felt like I was missing something, and it dramatically diminished my self worth. I felt ugly, I felt very conscious about my looks and appearance, I no longer had that much faith in my brains and my logic, and I continuously felt inadequate. It took me quite some time to get that out of my system and know who I really am and what I am made of, and most importantly accept and embrace it.
This is what I want to say, to every woman who stumbles upon this:
You are not ugly or stupid or dull, divorce does not make you any of that. The fact that you felt less appealing to your man, does not mean that you are; may be he just lost interest because you’re already there and he misses the action or the extra attention or whatever gets him off. But it is not necessarily you.
Take the time to discover your own beauty, the beauty you know you possess. Go out with your friends and people who actually value you for who you are and I assure you, you will feel beautiful inside out.
Look at your kids, and see how cute they are, well, they are 50% you, so they must have taken some of that cuteness from you.
You’re not inadequate, if you are no longer a “functioning” wife, you are definitely still a woman, and perhaps a mother, and there must be a lot of other good things going for you, so just take the time to recognize them and appreciate them.
God bless.
When I started that blog, I knew that at some point I would have to talk about my story, especially if I am expecting other women with similar circumstances to come and share theirs. However, I haven’t yet found a way to say it in short; so until then, I will keep it brief and simple. Who know, perhaps brief and simple is the way to go.
I married for love at a very young age. Getting married was not easy at all given how our families had totally different backgrounds; I mean at first glance you’d think both families share the same social class, but if you take a closer look, you’d see that the social class was not attained the same way. Mind you, I lived every girl’s dream, fell in love with a prince charming and actually married him, yaay me.
It’s fair to say there were good moments; good years to be just. I don’t know what happened then, I am not sure what went wrong and I am not sure where I went wrong. I only know I went wrong because it takes two to tango, and it would be extremely unfair to say that it was all him, despite how much I despise him now.
He fooled around, and when I found out, he turned the tables on me and made me feel inadequate to an extreme that I ended up apologizing. He then made up stories about how I got it all wrong so that when I had time to think things through I wouldn’t catch his bluff; and I believed him, not because he was that good a liar, but because I wanted to believe him. A year later, I found solid proof that he was lying and confronted him, and it simply went down hill from there.
I couldn’t look him in the eye without seeing the person who lied to my face and made me apologize when it was him who was mistaken. I couldn’t trust the person who made me doubt my own senses and logic. I just knew that if I was ever to fall, he won’t be there to catch me.
As it turns out, men sense those kinds of negative feelings, and let’s say I was not even subtle about them. At some point, we simply drifted apart. I sat him down and told him I could no longer feel the warmth I once felt in his arms and asked him to divorce me if he no longer cared for me the way he once did. He wasn’t rational about it and he acted like I was crazy saying that. I wish he really took the time that day to consider an amicable divorce.
He cheated on me; he broke my heart to little pieces when it had not even recovered from losing faith in him. I could feel it from day one; they say a woman knows, and they are right. I asked him over and over, I begged him not to hurt me and to just let me go, but he always accused me of being delusional and turned the table, he was really good, but I had already learnt to trust my instincts more than him.
When his cover was blown, his foolish male ego couldn’t handle my righteousness, and let’s say I did not win that one gracefully. It was simply ugly, but that’s how it felt all along, and that’s what I want to share today.
Being ignored, two timed, or cheated on by a husband is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman, or at least one of the worst things. When the man you love, the one you chose to spend your best years with forsakes you that way, it makes you feel so worthless. And that’s what I could ever get over since the first time I knew he had eyes for someone else and he actually said the L word to someone else.
Ever since, I always felt like I was missing something, and it dramatically diminished my self worth. I felt ugly, I felt very conscious about my looks and appearance, I no longer had that much faith in my brains and my logic, and I continuously felt inadequate. It took me quite some time to get that out of my system and know who I really am and what I am made of, and most importantly accept and embrace it.
This is what I want to say, to every woman who stumbles upon this:
You are not ugly or stupid or dull, divorce does not make you any of that. The fact that you felt less appealing to your man, does not mean that you are; may be he just lost interest because you’re already there and he misses the action or the extra attention or whatever gets him off. But it is not necessarily you.
Take the time to discover your own beauty, the beauty you know you possess. Go out with your friends and people who actually value you for who you are and I assure you, you will feel beautiful inside out.
Look at your kids, and see how cute they are, well, they are 50% you, so they must have taken some of that cuteness from you.
You’re not inadequate, if you are no longer a “functioning” wife, you are definitely still a woman, and perhaps a mother, and there must be a lot of other good things going for you, so just take the time to recognize them and appreciate them.
God bless.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
What is a Good Marriage?
It hit me that before I start talking about divorce, I should first say something about marriage; not so bright after all I guess!!
And because I am such a lazy bum who is too lazy to do the necessary research, I thought I would ask a fairly religious friend of mine who is within the same age category about what good healthy marriage is, from religion’s point of view.
And just to avoid the possibility of him thinking it was the beginning of another cynical rant, I told him about that friend of mine, and how I thought she was miserable, yet I would never share my opinion with her because after all, I do not know what good marriage is.
His reply was so overwhelming, it inspired me to start working on this blog and put it as a first entry, perhaps just to clarify that I am not just another bitter anti-marriage and pro-divorce person… it’s basically an unofficial quote of what a friend of his told him about his own experience as a newly wed. Here it goes
“I thought by getting married, one would be safer from fitna; however, it turned out to be that once you’re married, there is more room for it.
You see, it’s not about flirting with other women and fantasizing them like you would expect; it’s more about how El Shetan bey2assy 2alby 3ala meraty.
Like when I am home late and she’s a bit grumpy and more likely to start an argument, I would feel the unexplainable urge to take the argument to the next level and start a fight, sometimes it even happened!!
But when I took my time to think about it, I came to the realization that I shouldn’t fight with her because she’s upset I am not spending enough time with her… I mean heya leeha meen gheery to keep her company, watch out for her, take good care of her, and protect her… if I start fighting over the smallest of things and saying mean or harsh words that wouldn’t solve our problems, but instead would make her hurt and cry, who would she have to make her feel better… heya fel awel we fel akher amana fe re2abty we mas2oola menny”
My friend then explained that if both parties think that way before they start dwelling some more on the fighting, if they just take the time to think of the obligations towards one another rather than their rights, if they yera3o rabena fe ba3d, marriage would be more like what God intended for it to be!!
And this was when my friend told me “oleely enty ba2a, what do YOU think is a good marriage??”… That was one of the few times I was left speechless!!
It hit me that before I start talking about divorce, I should first say something about marriage; not so bright after all I guess!!
And because I am such a lazy bum who is too lazy to do the necessary research, I thought I would ask a fairly religious friend of mine who is within the same age category about what good healthy marriage is, from religion’s point of view.
And just to avoid the possibility of him thinking it was the beginning of another cynical rant, I told him about that friend of mine, and how I thought she was miserable, yet I would never share my opinion with her because after all, I do not know what good marriage is.
His reply was so overwhelming, it inspired me to start working on this blog and put it as a first entry, perhaps just to clarify that I am not just another bitter anti-marriage and pro-divorce person… it’s basically an unofficial quote of what a friend of his told him about his own experience as a newly wed. Here it goes
“I thought by getting married, one would be safer from fitna; however, it turned out to be that once you’re married, there is more room for it.
You see, it’s not about flirting with other women and fantasizing them like you would expect; it’s more about how El Shetan bey2assy 2alby 3ala meraty.
Like when I am home late and she’s a bit grumpy and more likely to start an argument, I would feel the unexplainable urge to take the argument to the next level and start a fight, sometimes it even happened!!
But when I took my time to think about it, I came to the realization that I shouldn’t fight with her because she’s upset I am not spending enough time with her… I mean heya leeha meen gheery to keep her company, watch out for her, take good care of her, and protect her… if I start fighting over the smallest of things and saying mean or harsh words that wouldn’t solve our problems, but instead would make her hurt and cry, who would she have to make her feel better… heya fel awel we fel akher amana fe re2abty we mas2oola menny”
My friend then explained that if both parties think that way before they start dwelling some more on the fighting, if they just take the time to think of the obligations towards one another rather than their rights, if they yera3o rabena fe ba3d, marriage would be more like what God intended for it to be!!
And this was when my friend told me “oleely enty ba2a, what do YOU think is a good marriage??”… That was one of the few times I was left speechless!!
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