It's OK

Most Important thing about divorce, given the fact that it's a life changing act of freedom, that is to realize that you have every right - at any point - to change your mind and choose to use your freedom again to weigh everything in the light of the experience and in the light of the little glimpse you've taken during the process...and just say: no, I realize it could work out. or: no, I will pay the price and continue.

It is your right. It is your life. It is your freedom.

And no one has the right to judge you then, just like they had no right to judge you when you wanted out.

It takes steel guts to choose either ways...

Consider only yourself.

How to twist an arm...bera7ah!

I think anyone who has ever encountered the legal system and our inhuman court houses would have to agree that it's a nasty nasty experience...most likely unjust as well.

And that's regarding marital problems or any other kind of problem.
Bitterness from such experience are often held when u have a right that is so clear and present and for some retarded reason you get a humiliating treatment of being the criminal instead of the victim.

Well, I won't brag about how i saw this coming in my early stages of divorce as i am of a law back ground...only because circumstances helped me a lot and most of all Allah has shown me what was impossible for me to see...

See, back then, i was verbally divorced...yet he returned me to marriage behind my back...he planned - with the help of my brother- to leave the country for years and keep me unmarried/undivorced...only because i was strong enough to say a loud, firm and clear NO to the life of sickness i had endured for eight years.
I was as solid as a rock...i took all the moral abuse from family and friends...90% of people didn't talk to me any more...i was penny less - as i were stupid enough to dedicate my life to him and the kids and had no money of my own...and i won't mention the lost little fortune spent on him - as my dad who has supported me for the first two months cut all resources to pressure me into getting back to him...
I found a humble job...and i kept screaming NO...

The day i knew of the plot and his intention to travel...i had to be fierce...i saw a lawyer who suggested cruel actions that would've dealt with the whole matter in days...but i said no...i won't accuse him of things he didn't do...i won't cheat...
What i would do is use awful things he has already done...truthfully done...
I will twist an arm...bas bera7ah...

See, everyone has a weak spot...EVERYONE...some men fear a shattered social image...some men fear to loose a dime...some men fear the power of the police...everyone fears something...

And he had tons of skeletons in his closet...

He...and his family feared to loose a dime...and he has written my mom a blank check long ago when he ripped her of everything she has in lame trials to make a business out of his dull mind...she and i has forgotten all about that check...till the day my lawyer desperately asked me if i have anything to help him save my freedom before the dude leaves the country...i remembered that peaceful tactic and made him swear not to prosecute...i told him...just wave the matter...no court!

In two weeks i was asked by him to meet him at the ma2zoon...

As i cried on my way over there cause i kept imagining my kids growing up without a dad hanging around...i had a big smile when i saw him at the ma2zoon with his new wife...i felt like : I'm absolutely doing the right thing!

I didn't hurt him to get my freedom although i could...FOREVER, I didn't give in to the pressure that drove me insane, i didn't sell my self cheap to his evil plans...I took the right decisions and i was strong enough to end my matters legally in three months!

Our meeting at the ma2zoon and the agreement he tried t make me sign was hilariously painful...but that's another story.

Qanun El A7wal El Sha7’seya!

I was searching the web for an article I heard of to write my next post, when I stumbled upon those two articles here and here about the expected new amendments in The Personal Affairs Law; I had to read it and postpone the post I had in mind for later, after this one!

Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!

But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!

Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!

There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!

I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…


On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:

Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!

On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:

It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!

On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:

Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.

On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:

Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!

On Custody Rights:

Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!

On Khol3:

There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.


I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)

The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.

Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.

Why Divorce?!

I can't start giving my two cents ( or rather two ersh as I'm proud to be a slang Egyptian ) before thanking Divorcette for allowing me to share on this blog.

I think it's a great Idea to support divorced or about to be divorced women...who knows, maybe men too!



The first Question that comes to mind whenever i hear someone saying that they're thinking about divorce or filing for divorce is WHY!



In my opinion it's a life changing step that has to be weighed realistically putting in mind - consciously - the pros and cons especially if kids are involved.



So, here's my list of legitimate reasons in my opinion:

• Adultery
• Abuse: constant moral abuse / physical abuse
• Hate: my test for that one is: If you wish you were dead the moment you hear his keys turn in the door!
• Drugs : Master of disaster
• Homosexuality turn ons/ practices
• Doesn't provide for his kids ( it's always a sign of more sever cheapness )
• Dead In bed ( In case you're not frigid )

Well, I can go on forever till i end up with the most famous reason to call the whole thing off: You say tomato...he says Oo6ah :D

Never mind girls just trying to lighten up 'cause I started to get a lil' bit anxious.

Please feel free to add...

Bottom line is: Make sure you didn't think of divorce because your not so loving friend fueled you against him or because your best friend is enjoying the Mercedes her husband gave her...That would be a lame answer to the question WHY...and that ain't worth splitting your kids' heart.

In my case, It wasn't just one reason of the mentioned above and that's WHY I stood up against EVERYBODY I know - except for my mom to be accurate - and said NO, I won't take it.

But that's another story....

How to shake off the bad mood…

We all get depressed, be it hormones, or unfortunate events. Hell! Men get depressed.

So there, some things I thought of that could help shake the bad mood off; some may work, some may not, but it won’t get you more depressed, given that you don't go over board. Feel free to try them, woman, man, single, married, divorced… whatever!!

1. 
   1- Catch up with an old friend, someone you have not talked to for quite some time! Just try to avoid talking about the things that upset you; keep it strictly catching up.
   
   2- If you have kids, leave them with someone you can trust, and go catch a movie, or have your favorite drink in your favorite coffee shop… three hours of quality time with your own self is worth it!
   
   3- Embrace the bad negative feelings; you’re feeling bad, so what, it won’t last… so while you’re thinking things back and forth, take the time to find at least one upside, focus on it for a while and then shake your head and say “alhamdulilah”
   
   4- You can talk it out with someone you really trust and feel comfortable talking to, someone you would not feel awkward about sharing things with, and most importantly someone who’s wise enough to properly handle your vulnerable emotional state.
   
   5- Buy yourself something nice, something you always wanted, or treat yourself with one serving of your favorite dessert; more could cause some calorie abuse depending on the dessert and whether you’re on any sort of diet!
   
   6- If you have kids, buy them something too; going back and giving them whatever you bought, you will see a bright smile and an excited look, your heart will just melt and you’ll feel warm and fuzzy inside :)
   
   7- Try learning something new; even if it’s so little or trivial, even if it’s just a new route home!
   
   8- If you have internet access, think of any of your favorite things, google it, and find out some interesting stuff!! It’s cool, trust me ;)
   
   9- If you have the time, go walk in a poor neighborhood, look at the people with the jaded faces and the less fortunate statuses, you might stumble upon smiling faces nonetheless. If they can smile, the least you should do is smile back… if the are not smiling, all the more reason to smile at them, I find smiling therapeutic. Just avoid suspicious looking people who touch themselves.
   
   10- If you can’t seem to get out of the black hole on your own, try to spend time with people whom you enjoy their company, people who make you laugh; laughter is contagious, it may not solve your problems, but your heart will feel lighter for a while, why the hell not!!
   
   11- Do something you like, something that soothes you… take a long drive with good music, a warm bubble bath, cook something nice if you’re into cooking, read a book, watch a movie, go out in the balcony and gaze at the sky, take the time to look at the stars and appreciate their beauty!! Whatever does it for you, just dwell on something positive!!
   
   12- If you have kids of your own, or there are any at home (younger siblings, nephews, nieces, etc…) call for them and start random conversations; kids can be both brilliant and entertaining, something about their innocence brightens up the heart! And they sense our need for compassion; my almost 1-year-old pats me on the back when I hug him, makes me feel warm.
   
   13- Do something different about your looks, doesn’t have to be drastic, mildly different is cool! Trim your hair, try out some nail polish even if you remove it later, curl your hair in a funny way or even braid it!! Take photos either you’re looking silly or cute, even if you delete them later, it consumes time rather not wasted in sulking.
   
   14- You can rearrange the furniture in your room, or your house! Who knows, you may even clean up or fold laundry while listening to music or leaving the tv on, or even chatting with a friend on the phone! You'd be amazed how many annoying chores can be done that way :)
   
   15- If you’re feeling spiritual, pray, put your heart into a prayer, say all that you want, or not, just think about all that you want, God doesn’t need to hear your spoken words, He senses sincerity… trust Him.
   
   16- Look in the mirror, find one thing, one thing you like about yourself, not just about your looks, look deeper into your soul, be thankful for it and accept whatever it is you don’t like; we all have flaws, some we should change, and some we should just accept.
   
   17- Check on a friend you know was going through his/her own set of problems, listen to him/her, and try to give support; you may not have help to offer, or smart advice to give, but you will surely help by making them feel less lonely. It’s rewarding, it helps make you less self centered so you can get away with your selfishness later ;)
   
   18- Check out a game you like playing, even make up your own!! I used to think of random words that lead me to more random words, you’d be surprised!!
   
   19- Talk to yourself out loud, people may call you crazy, but thinking out loud helps.
   
   20- Seek help from a professional if you have doubts about your own sanity, nothing is wrong with that!! If you have a problem, you better start working on it, if you don’t, there, you got assurance, and it will be uplifting to know that for sure.
   

I’ll post more if I think of any, feel free to add yours… have a good day and God bless :)

On Love, Men, Women, and Generalization

Apparently, love is a universal thing, and it goes without saying that both men and women feel it; isn’t this how they justify a lot of things, especially the irrational ones!! However, I think men and women fall in love and react to it differently. My idea could be some form of generalization; I hate generalization, but let’s admit that it helped a lot of thinkers in figuring out some acknowledged facts about humanity.

I already referred to men before women because of the alphabetical order, but when it comes to my own theories, I will start with women, since I think I know more in this department.

We women build our worlds around our men. Whether we are in love or married, whether we married for love or through arranged marriage, we always priorities them. We stop having our own dreams, and we stop pursuing the plans we once had. WHY?

Is it because this is what society tells us? I know it may sound a little feminist to say that, but I assure you, I am not a feminist!

I can only speak from my own experience here. When I fell in love, I had no eyes for anyone but him; I had no opinions or logic other than his. I chose to make him my eyes and my mind. But when my marriage started falling apart, I questioned my x, I was not afraid of his authority although I was raised by a strict father who allowed no room for me to question his logic or reason, not just because he intimidated me, but also because he provided me a good life, gave me the security and stability I needed. But when the other male figure in my life took away my notion of a good life, shook my stability and ruined my sense of security, I had every reason to rebel against him.

Nonetheless, there was a huge mental and emotional drawback once things started falling apart. It felt like my development had stopped at the age of 19, when I first knew him, and I woke up at the age of 26, wondering where I have been for the past seven years! In addition to my shock, disappointment and confusion, I had to do seven-years worth of catching up. It was painful, and it left me wondering if it was the right thing to do shutting myself away and letting him take full control of my life.

I am not saying we shouldn’t; if some women have done it and found it worth its while, it must leave room for reasonable doubt that nothing is wrong with that. But when it is done for the wrong man, it’s a recipe for failure and a long journey of self doubt, which may not result in self finding.

I wish more women would come and share their experiences, for I spoke of mine, which I found somehow similar to those of some people I know.

Now the men, they never put their women first, NEVER. I have talked to so many of them, and no one, not one said they put his woman first. I know my father never did, I know none of my uncles ever did, I even know my male friends did not, and I am talking about men whom I respect, men who did not fail their families. My x said he put me first all the time, and well, he lied.

The good men say that they put their spouses first by putting their career first, by focusing on providing a better life. I can’t disagree much because I know and understand the burden on men to provide and maintain a stable household. But this leaves the rest of the work to the woman; not just the house responsibilities, but also keeping things alive. It’s a hard job by the way, and if some women lose their heads or fail to keep the marriage interesting, well sorry men, you can try, but I don’t think it will work any better for you.

Yeah, my ideas are too general and not so organized. But isn’t this what we go through in life on daily basis; chaotic general assumptions.

So men, women, tell me… did I make any sense?? If I did not, what makes sense to you??

For the time being, to the women out there, I can only try to give you an educated, yet unbiased advice.

Follow your men, love them, support them, and stand by them… but so not ignore your instincts, do not numb your senses or ignore alarms. Do not stop growing… empower yourselves, educate your selves and make sure you’re walking on solid grounds. Your man can never find that intimidating or threatening, no good man would, whatever a good man is.

To All the Women... and the Men

I wish I had words that describe this poem, but words fail me!! So all I will say is that it's written by Farida.

في بلادي تبكي النساء
في بلادي النساء تجيد البكاء
و أنا و للأسف أكره طعم الدموع
وأكره نحيب المساء
قبلك كنت عصية الدمع
و معك صرت مثل كل النساء

......في بلادي النساء لاتجيد الرحيل و تدمن البقاء
الشكوى و العويل
أفضل من البعد و الانطواء
و انا عزيزي لا أخشى الرحيل
و لا احب دور شهيدة الشقاء
......

في بلادي النساء تؤمن بالرجل
ظل و سند وبقاء
و انا أؤمن بالقدر
و في إيماني سلام وصفاء
و كيف أخشى غد أوبشر
و معي الله خالق و رب وقضاء
سأرحل إن أراد لي الرحيل
و لن انظر للوراء
...

في بلادي النساء تجلد النساء
ألسنة طويله..كذب و افتراء
سأراهم إذا ما استدرت يتهامسون
و سأسمع الكلمات الحمقاء
سيصير جمالي أكبر لعنة
تدفعني للإنزواء
من عيون رجال جائعة
و خوف من ظنها بي قد ساء
لأني حملت لقب مطلقه
و غلالة الهتك صارت رداء
.........

سيقولون تركت ..و يقولون تٌركت
سيقولون خسرت.. و يقولون خٌسرت
و سنصير أحاديث صباح ومساء
كما قالوا في عشقنا قبلا
أساطير تشبه قصص عهد البيداء
ووالله ماصدقونا خبرا
و ماطالنا سوى حسد البغضاء

و هانحن كنا و ياليت ما كنا
و ياليت ماكان قبل الهجر لقاء
لكنني امرأة تؤمن بالقدر
و في إيماني أجمل عزاء
و لقد عشقتك يوم جئت تطلبني
ولست انا ممن تعشق في الخفاء
فالحرة ان أرادت رجلا
سلمته مقاليدها
فأسر زوج خير من حرية البغاء
أردتك و استمتعت بك دهرا
جئتني نعمة و ذهبت عني.. ابتلاء
....

وفي بلادرمز عزتها شوارب
لنا الله نحن بنات حواء
الرجل لا يخشى هجر خليلة
فكل النساء له سواء
لا يعيبه عمر ..لا يٌنقصه ظرف
و يأخذ عذراء تلو العذراء
أما من مثلي فقدت زهوتها
لزوج ماصان عهد ولا وفاء
فأسلم لها ان ترضى بقسمتها
ففي الغد مجهول يخشاه العقلاء
و الجدات تحكي عن كل من طلبت
سعادة بعد تعاسه و كيف خاب رجاء
و من نعرفه افضل ممن نجهله
و من ترجو خير في الرجال حمقاء
....

في بلادي مملكة جهل ذكوريه
صنعتها و للأسف.. نساء
فما طالت قامات الرجال إلا عندما ادمن جواريهن الانحناء
و ماشاع بين ذوات الكيد ظلم إلا عندما نسين رب السماء
و انا عزيزي لست بمتمرده
و لا أنا في عهد الأنبياء
و لا أنا كارهة لبني جنسك
و لا أنا اقوى من كل الضعفاء
أنا ببساطة امرأة تؤمن بالقدر
وفي ايماني غاية الاستكفاء
في ايماني غاية الاستكفاء

بقلم
فريده سعد