إلى كل الأمهات المكلومات...

دي مش اخر الدنيا إن بنتك بتطلق...

اه، هي مش حاجة تفرح، و مفهوم إن في مجتمعنا لقب مطلقة ده وصمة...

لكن دي بنتك، و بتمر بأزمة و محتاجة تحس بدعم نفسي و معنوي، مش محتاجة ايد زيادة تحدفها بالطوب...

مدام انتي عارفة ان لها حق و مش بتدلع و لا بتستهبل، و مدام شفتي بعينك الظلم اللي اتظلمته، بلاش تزرعي فيها احساس عقيم بالذنب لا هو هيغير الواقع و لا هيريحلك قلبك، لكن أكيد هيوجع قلبها اكتر...

ساعديها تتخطى الأزمة بدل ما تأزميها اكتر...

بلاش كلام عن الولاد و مصلحتهم، لأن مصلحتها هي في الوقت ده أهم... مش هتفيدهم ببصلة لو هي مدمرة... فمالهاش لزمة تلوي دراعها اكتر ما هو ملوي

و بلاش تطالبيها بالتضحية لأن التضحية بتيجي من الإنسان لوحدها من غير ما حد يطلبها... فمتحسسيهاش انها أنانية لأنها مش قادرة تستمر في حياه تعيسة...

و بلاش الكلام عن كلام الناس و نظرة المجامع، الناس دايما بتتكلم و المجامع ظالم... لو ظلمتيها عشان ترضي الناس و المجتمع، تبقى انانية منك لأنك خايفة منهم أكتر ما انتي خايفة عليها، بنتك...

الناس بترمي كلام و تقول مابيلزقش، لكن الحقيقة انه مش بس بيلزق، لا ده كمان بيجرح، و بيجرح أكتر لما ييجي من أقرب الناس...

شوية دعم و حنية و تفهم... ولله هي مش محتاجة اكتر من كدة...

and D for Different.

No matter how special, great, beautiful, amazing...you name it, Women tend to feel different the minute they get divorced.
Not necessarily bad different, it might be good different yet the different feeling itself would affect many choices, relationships and would cause some awkwardness.

I don't mean to add to the cons of being divorced (in case someone is still considering taking the step), It's just that the meaning hit me today as i was rewinding certain occasions in my head.

How much value would we give, and what is the price we would be willing to pay for the sake of not being different.

Some might choose not to break the chains of corrupted marriages, some might hide the fact that they are divorced and some might rush into any marriage just to be accepted among the norms and never be called the D word...Different.

I never felt it in the early days after divorce...to me, divorce was the last gate towards survival...to me, divorce was a natural instinct to give ME freedom and happiness.
I felt different months after, when my married friends refrained from being around me...when married friends felt reluctant to share stories about family outings and anything related to their husbands...I felt it when - the few that did talk - chose to talk about how unhappy they are and how marriage sucked and how lucky i am that I'm free.

I didn't stop to get blue about it...I was so overwhelmed and indulged in my own new status/ struggle...I was so exhausted shaking away every worry about the possibility of making a mistake for leaving a bad husband as all i saw was as bad or worse.

I have to confess that this feeling created a soft spot in me...being treated as normal gained so much value and i, now, feel way flattered if I am treated normal...I just discovered today that it is a weakness in me now.

I felt too flattered ( out of my mind actually ) when i was seen and treated as a single pretty woman, while i don't feel that, honestly i don't...hmm... i feel I'm a woman of course :D but, you know what i mean!

I wish the realization has stopped there, but because I'm talented in self proclaim, It led me to question, how come i allow such an effect, how come i let how i look in another person's eyes add to my value...It's irritating actually ( regardless that i appreciate the person) to feel external value added instantly from other people's giving...because it equals that i would feel less about myself whenever i meet someone who sees me as old and ordinary and ...Different.

I don't know what to do exactly with such awareness except try giving it more grounds...meanwhile...I found a few different friends...and i found amongst them some unique people that i might have not been fortunate to meet if i were still normal.

Yes, Normal is good in a way...it has the same sense of security routine gives to a child.

but, everything good comes with an equal - if not more - price...being normal, or being different.

It's accepting the rules of the deal that matters.

للعلم والإطمئنان

أى حد بيقرر ينهى علاقة جواز بيشيل هم حاجات معينة مش بتتغير من إنسان للتانى...والحاجات اللى بتقلق دى ممكن تخلى حد مش عايش مبسوط فترة طويلة اوى لأنه متردد وخايف بسببها

الدنيا مش مستاهلة نخاف منها طالما لنا حق...اللى يخوف بجد وبيرعبنى جداً إنى آجى على حق حد...بس طالما بطالب بحقى يبقى مينفعش اخاف

الفلوس، حضانة الولاد، كلام الناس، المجهول أو ماذا بعد، والولاد حيكرهونى ولا إيه

طيب...الإجابة الواقعية الحقيقية البعيدة عن الكليشيهات والكلام المذوق هى:

الفلوس( ستات غالباً ): بصرف النظرالزوج حيطلع مسئول ومحترم وحينفق ولا لأ...متستنيش، إشتغلى فوراً لو مكنتيش بتشتغلى ورتبى حياتك على إنك المسئولة عن نفسك وعن ولادك حتى لو عندك أهل حيصرفوا عليكى...ده الصح والعقل وتلافياً لمهاترات كتير انتى فى غنى عنها

حضانة الولاد: ما بقاش فيه حاجة اسمها سن الحضانة...المشرع المصرى شاف ان الحضانة مش حق للأم ولا للأب لكن حق الأولاد وشاف ان مصلحتهم ان امهم تربيهم لغاية ما يكبروا ويكملوا تعليم كمان...الحالة الإستثنائة اللى ممكن يطلب الراجل فيها نزع الحضانة من أمهم انه يثبت انها غير كفء ( والمقياس هنا عالى جدا جدا...) وساعتها حتى لو اتحكمله فالحضانة بتتنقل لأم الأم...ما تخفيش على ولادك يا زوجة...متتعبش نفسك يا أب...واعرف انك ممكن تبقى اب هايل سواء نمتوا كلكوا تحت سقف واحد ولا لأ

.

كلام الناس: افتكرى خمس حاجات الناس نفعوكى بيها فى حياتك ...لو لقيتى...أو لقيت...خليك فى حياة غير سعيدة عشانهم!الخوف من الناس وهم فى دماغنا احنا بس

المجهول: المجهول على طول بيخوف...فى أى وضع وحال...وحله الوحيد اننا نفكر نفسنا باننا نركز فى "هنا والآن" خليها مبدأ...المهم: هنا والآن

الولاد حيكرهونى: الولاد بيكرهوا المعاملة السيئة والتجاهل والقسوة وحرمانهم من الحب والعطاء والولاد بيكرهوا الظلم...بس ...الولاد حيخسروا كتير لو شايفين اب وام غير لائق وجودهم مع بعض...الأبوة والأمومة معانى متأسسة فى الإنسان سواء فى أسرة أو بعيد عن الأسرة

أخيراً: نبطل فرجة على المسلسلات العربى ونفهم ان الغرض من الجواز مش رسم صورة وتعليقها على الحيطة لغاية التراب ما يضيع تفاصيلها...الجواز للمودة والسكن والحب بين اتنين وبالتالى عفتهم عشان بقاء النوع يبقى شرعى ومنظم...لو جواز اتنين حيؤدى ان حد فيهم يبقى كاره وبيعانى أو معرض للخطأ يبقى انتفى الغرض منه...يا ريت نفهم عشان نقدر...الولاد حق منفصل عن الجواز...كان نتيجة له اى نعم بس كحقوق بنى آدمين هو منفصل...بما انى مسلمة حتكلم عن دينى: لم يذكر ولا مرة فى القرآن أو السنة حديث أو آية حاجة بتقول: لأ، ما ينفعش تطلقوا عشان الولاد!!!

ملحوظة: شركاء حياة زوجية سعيدة: قدروا النعمة وحافظوا عليها وخللى اللى بيتكتب هنا مقياس وتذكرة بالمهم فى الحياة عشان ما حدش يكره شريكه بسبب فستان أو طبخة...

سلام

الطلاق

حاولت أفكر فى عنوان أكثر جاذبية من ده بس بصراحة لقيت ان ما قل ودل احسن

الطلاق...الكلمة اللى تعنى فى أذهان الناس العديد من التعاريف بإختلاف ظروفهم وأهواءهم...وده غريب لأن عادة معانى الكلام واحدة عند كل الناس...بس الطلاق ، اللى عند بعض الناس معناه ممكن يبقى: حرية أو نجاة أو طريق صعب لابد منه أو حل سلمى أو حل واعى منطقى

ممكن يكون عند ناس تانية : بهدلة أو وصمة عارأو تشريد لأسرة أو بوظان كيان إجتماعى أو ظلم من أحد الطرفين أو تخلى عن البيت والعيال...وهنا لازم أذكر ( مش قادره امسك نفسى ) وعيد البعض للست اللى بتطلب الطلاق من أول المجتمع اللى حينبذها لغاية انها مش حتشم ريحة الجنة وستلعن ارضاً وسماءاً

لكن...على أى الأحوال...الطلاق حق مكفول لكل طرف شايف انه مش سعيد...ايوه...مش سعيد على أقل تقدير...ما بالك بقى بالناس اللى طالع عين ابو اللى خلفوها فى جوازة زيها زى الأشغال الشاقة...مش يبقى من حقهم برضوا؟

انا محتاجة اوضح نقطة هامة...الحديث هنا مش خاص بالستات بس..لأ ، بما أنه حق فهو حق للإثنين...حق إنسانى...مش بس لأن ربنا إداه لنا ( المسلمين ) لأ...أنا شايفه أنه حق لكل بنى آدم مهما كان دينه...حقه فى إنه يعترف بإن توقعاته خابت..أو إن إختياره كان سىء أو فى إنه لا يصلح للجواز...أو فى إنه عيل ورجع فى كلامه ( مش بهزر..انا شايفة إن منتهى الجدعنة ان الواحد يجروء وتبقى عنده القدرة يقول انه غلط وحيصحح غلطه ) أو فى إنه إكتشف بلاوى فى شريكه أو إنه إكتشف إنه محتاج أكتر من اللى بياخده فى الجوازة دى....لكن اللى له مزاج يمثل انه فى زيجة ناجحة عشان خاطر كليشيهات فى دماغه ، لا أنا ولا أى حد مش من حقنا نحكم عليه لأن القاعدة دايماً هى : كل واحد حر فى نفسه!

قواعد هامة زى الحرية فى إتخاذ القرار من غير تأثيرات هبلة والقدرة على وزن الأمور وتعديلها ان لزم وحق الواحد فى إنه يطلع من زيجة لا تحقق الغرض منها هى قواعد عامة يللا نتفق عليها الأول قبل ما نغوص فى التفاصيل...ويلا كمان نتفق على الموضوعية...بلاش حمأة والنبى عشان الدنيا مش مستاهلة

الإيمان بالقواعد دى بيدى قوة...وبيدى هدوء كمان...مش القوة بتاعة رامبو ولا الهدوء بتاع الدالاى لاما...لأ ، مش اوى كده...بس القوة اللى نابعة من الإيمان بشىء بتخلى الواحد راسخ من جواه...شايف بوضوح...متمسك بحقه مهما اتهاجم...مش بيتأثر اسلوبه بأحكام الغير...الهدوء بقى بيخلى الإنفعال عادى من غير المبالغة فى الخبط والرزع والضرب والبلاوى اللى الواحد بيسمع عنها دى....بس أهم فضيلة لازم الواحد يزرعها جواه هى الصبر...لأن أغلب الأحيان الطرف الطالب للطلاق بيتقابل بمقاومة شرسة مبنية فى أغلب الحيان على العند أو الأنانية وده بيخللى فى أوقات كتير ( بالنسبة للستات ) رحلة اكتساب مادى لحق مطلق زى الطلاق عملية طويلة ومملة......لكن مفتاح النجاح فى الصبر...دى معركة النفس الطويل زى ما بسميها.

لكل قاعدة إستثناء طبعاً إنما...يعنى

المهم

بعدين حادخل فى الموضوع ان شاء الله

Listen to yourself

Motivational speeches don’t do it for me, although this one will sound like one! Ironic.

If you’re going through a bad marriage or a horrible prolonging divorce, you probably need all the help, advice, and opinions you could get to help you decide or help you have peace with your decision. It’s ok to ask for people’s advice, it’s ok to get all the self-help books you can put your hand on, but for the love of God, don’t let advice or books block your own thoughts and instincts from getting to you.

Listen to yourself. Don’t look for comforts in other people’s words that tell you things you want to believe. Listen to advice, but only do by it when you think you’re ready; otherwise, you’ll never really move on, and your ghosts will keep haunting you and pulling you back from you approval-induced happy place back to your misery.

My dad always says: “la nadema man estashar, wala khaba man istakhar” (or the other way around, it always confuses me) but he also says “nakhod bel asbab”, and no one would know your reasons or understand them more than you.

Sorry if it’s too brief and direct to the extent that it almost feels like a slap on the face, it’s not!! But sometimes it’s better to get things that way to make sure they don’t get confusing or boring.

End of transmission.

Pride and Stupid Ego

A couple of weeks back I stumbled on this, and since then, and due to so many things going around, a few thoughts have been coming and going…

When is a marriage not worth fighting for?

In our faiths, marriage is what a couple should fight for, it’s not something a couple should give up on just because they don’t get along; there has to be good substantial reasons for a couple to end the marriage. However, our society makes staying in a marriage –especially a bad one-, a holly mission, for all the wrong reasons! You stay, you’re a martyr… you leave, you’re a coward!

And no one wants to be a coward; we all seek pride in that sacrifice, even if it’s nothing really but stupid ego! That’s why a lot of people in our society never stop to evaluate their decisions, to know if their marriage is working the way it should be or it’s just a futile attempt to keep false pretenses of a good life. Makes me wonder how staying in a bad marriage is supposed to make one a better person when every bit of good dies day after day?!
When a husband says straight forward that he would not grant a divorce, when he abusively threatens to use all his power and authority as a husband to make you miserable if you dare ask for a divorce? Is that a man worth wasting one breath with?! I mean, what kind of life with such a man could possibly be worth living? Marriage is hard, that’s why we’re urged to fight for it, but it has to be worth it, it has to be with a good person who shares it because it just does not need to be any harder.

When a wife uses her own kids to pressure her husband to stay in a marriage of which he has grown tired, does that make her feel loved and wanted? Does that make her feel like a winner that she has a man who would probably end up cheating on her because he can’t leave her? That’s not fighting for a marriage, that’s ruining a marriage and refusing to admit it.

When did people lose sight of that line between pride and stupid ego?! The line was never thin, and pride is something entirely different from stupid ego; if anything, each leads to different consequences. Pride makes you know when you can take no more abuse and walk away with your dignity intact to start a new life, even if against all odds, while stupid ego makes you insist on staying despite all the signs, and sometimes makes you abusive of your spouse making them stay when both of you should know better. When did society promote being egotistic rather than being proud?!

Ma bye3rafsh!!

This is where the society plays the selective twisted game of using a "taboo" against men only when it feels like it.

Recently that conversation took place:

Friend - So, after those long years of enduring his abuse i finally had the courage to walk away and I filed for khol3.
Me- I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea you went through this as you've never showed any signs but then again, who am i to comment on that...i kept my mouth shut for eight years.
Friend- Has he been abusive too " with a horrified look"
Me- Not physically no...It was different but not less destructive.
Friend- Even now you don't want to share.
Me- I had to share one aspect of the problem when i asked for divorce but till this day no one knows another destructive aspect and no one will.
Friend- Aseela...anyway it's hard to speak up in front of people...good that my lawyer has dictated exactly what to say in court.
Me- Oh, and what's that?? I mean, I guess it's enough to say that he was abusive...it is khol3 anyway and its procedures aren't difficult as ordinary suits.
Friend- Oh, No, the lawyer told me that the judge will ask me why do i want divorce and i should say: akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood allah!
Me- na3am!!!!!
Friend, while laughing- akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood Allah means that I fear slipping in adultery but in a legal term the judge knows.
Me- was your husband..mmm...i mean, did he have problems??!!
Friend- Oh No, he was just like a horse!! it is only that this reason isn't discussable nor negotiable!!
Me- eh dah...you are willing to accuse your husband of being ma bey3rafsh instead of stating the truth which is horrible enough to get you your divorce....and, this is actually sort of sick funny that the justice crooked system would give women such a tool that simply...I can imagine you standing in front of the judge and when he'd ask you you'd reply in a corny voice: akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood Allah followed by a wink ;) oo howa yefham ba2a!! heheh enty habla?!!!
Friend- Rasha, if I would say that he used to beat me up and curse my whole family I would have to sustain my claims with witnesses and stories and hear say...but the other thingie would spare me that.
Me- Look, I just state what i think is right...enty 7orra tab3an...but i invite you to consider this: this is a false testimony and you may end up in prison if he - tab3an tab3an- got angry for his machoism and proved you wrong...shahada zoor!!! are you really willing to take that to your grave??!!
Friend- ..................

Now correct me if i am wrong. this is the same society that tames a woman forever for having any mere clear- Natural - sexual desire. this is the society that titles love making" 2elet adab" and this is the same society that treats a woman like a slut if she complained about lack of sexuality and I'm referring to Marriage related subjects not affairs...and this is the same society that allows men to cheat, beat, curse elly khaleffo a wife and tells her she should take it for the kids' sake, her family's sake and elbawab' sake!!

That same society gave women a sharp fake stick to get out of a marriage while it closes every legitimate door to do just that for the right reasons.

I'm puzzled and sick to my stomach from such hypocrisy and fakeness.

Believing in our rights has to go parallel with believing in others' rights or else, that crooked curve will decline sharper every day and sadly by the same hands that It hurts.

I've always believed that any human being is the predator and the prey...both at the same time...just like a chain that will go on from generation to generation...something will hurt my mom and leads her to make some sort of mistake with me and i would carry the hurt and deliver it to my sons and so on and on and on...but, I also believe that founding individual correctness and pure bases mends and adjusts slowly but consistently towards a pain fre society.

Awareness of ones rights along with everyone else in that universal lesson we are sharing is what makes us either a predator or a prey.

Our choice.