للعلم والإطمئنان

أى حد بيقرر ينهى علاقة جواز بيشيل هم حاجات معينة مش بتتغير من إنسان للتانى...والحاجات اللى بتقلق دى ممكن تخلى حد مش عايش مبسوط فترة طويلة اوى لأنه متردد وخايف بسببها

الدنيا مش مستاهلة نخاف منها طالما لنا حق...اللى يخوف بجد وبيرعبنى جداً إنى آجى على حق حد...بس طالما بطالب بحقى يبقى مينفعش اخاف

الفلوس، حضانة الولاد، كلام الناس، المجهول أو ماذا بعد، والولاد حيكرهونى ولا إيه

طيب...الإجابة الواقعية الحقيقية البعيدة عن الكليشيهات والكلام المذوق هى:

الفلوس( ستات غالباً ): بصرف النظرالزوج حيطلع مسئول ومحترم وحينفق ولا لأ...متستنيش، إشتغلى فوراً لو مكنتيش بتشتغلى ورتبى حياتك على إنك المسئولة عن نفسك وعن ولادك حتى لو عندك أهل حيصرفوا عليكى...ده الصح والعقل وتلافياً لمهاترات كتير انتى فى غنى عنها

حضانة الولاد: ما بقاش فيه حاجة اسمها سن الحضانة...المشرع المصرى شاف ان الحضانة مش حق للأم ولا للأب لكن حق الأولاد وشاف ان مصلحتهم ان امهم تربيهم لغاية ما يكبروا ويكملوا تعليم كمان...الحالة الإستثنائة اللى ممكن يطلب الراجل فيها نزع الحضانة من أمهم انه يثبت انها غير كفء ( والمقياس هنا عالى جدا جدا...) وساعتها حتى لو اتحكمله فالحضانة بتتنقل لأم الأم...ما تخفيش على ولادك يا زوجة...متتعبش نفسك يا أب...واعرف انك ممكن تبقى اب هايل سواء نمتوا كلكوا تحت سقف واحد ولا لأ

.

كلام الناس: افتكرى خمس حاجات الناس نفعوكى بيها فى حياتك ...لو لقيتى...أو لقيت...خليك فى حياة غير سعيدة عشانهم!الخوف من الناس وهم فى دماغنا احنا بس

المجهول: المجهول على طول بيخوف...فى أى وضع وحال...وحله الوحيد اننا نفكر نفسنا باننا نركز فى "هنا والآن" خليها مبدأ...المهم: هنا والآن

الولاد حيكرهونى: الولاد بيكرهوا المعاملة السيئة والتجاهل والقسوة وحرمانهم من الحب والعطاء والولاد بيكرهوا الظلم...بس ...الولاد حيخسروا كتير لو شايفين اب وام غير لائق وجودهم مع بعض...الأبوة والأمومة معانى متأسسة فى الإنسان سواء فى أسرة أو بعيد عن الأسرة

أخيراً: نبطل فرجة على المسلسلات العربى ونفهم ان الغرض من الجواز مش رسم صورة وتعليقها على الحيطة لغاية التراب ما يضيع تفاصيلها...الجواز للمودة والسكن والحب بين اتنين وبالتالى عفتهم عشان بقاء النوع يبقى شرعى ومنظم...لو جواز اتنين حيؤدى ان حد فيهم يبقى كاره وبيعانى أو معرض للخطأ يبقى انتفى الغرض منه...يا ريت نفهم عشان نقدر...الولاد حق منفصل عن الجواز...كان نتيجة له اى نعم بس كحقوق بنى آدمين هو منفصل...بما انى مسلمة حتكلم عن دينى: لم يذكر ولا مرة فى القرآن أو السنة حديث أو آية حاجة بتقول: لأ، ما ينفعش تطلقوا عشان الولاد!!!

ملحوظة: شركاء حياة زوجية سعيدة: قدروا النعمة وحافظوا عليها وخللى اللى بيتكتب هنا مقياس وتذكرة بالمهم فى الحياة عشان ما حدش يكره شريكه بسبب فستان أو طبخة...

سلام

الطلاق

حاولت أفكر فى عنوان أكثر جاذبية من ده بس بصراحة لقيت ان ما قل ودل احسن

الطلاق...الكلمة اللى تعنى فى أذهان الناس العديد من التعاريف بإختلاف ظروفهم وأهواءهم...وده غريب لأن عادة معانى الكلام واحدة عند كل الناس...بس الطلاق ، اللى عند بعض الناس معناه ممكن يبقى: حرية أو نجاة أو طريق صعب لابد منه أو حل سلمى أو حل واعى منطقى

ممكن يكون عند ناس تانية : بهدلة أو وصمة عارأو تشريد لأسرة أو بوظان كيان إجتماعى أو ظلم من أحد الطرفين أو تخلى عن البيت والعيال...وهنا لازم أذكر ( مش قادره امسك نفسى ) وعيد البعض للست اللى بتطلب الطلاق من أول المجتمع اللى حينبذها لغاية انها مش حتشم ريحة الجنة وستلعن ارضاً وسماءاً

لكن...على أى الأحوال...الطلاق حق مكفول لكل طرف شايف انه مش سعيد...ايوه...مش سعيد على أقل تقدير...ما بالك بقى بالناس اللى طالع عين ابو اللى خلفوها فى جوازة زيها زى الأشغال الشاقة...مش يبقى من حقهم برضوا؟

انا محتاجة اوضح نقطة هامة...الحديث هنا مش خاص بالستات بس..لأ ، بما أنه حق فهو حق للإثنين...حق إنسانى...مش بس لأن ربنا إداه لنا ( المسلمين ) لأ...أنا شايفه أنه حق لكل بنى آدم مهما كان دينه...حقه فى إنه يعترف بإن توقعاته خابت..أو إن إختياره كان سىء أو فى إنه لا يصلح للجواز...أو فى إنه عيل ورجع فى كلامه ( مش بهزر..انا شايفة إن منتهى الجدعنة ان الواحد يجروء وتبقى عنده القدرة يقول انه غلط وحيصحح غلطه ) أو فى إنه إكتشف بلاوى فى شريكه أو إنه إكتشف إنه محتاج أكتر من اللى بياخده فى الجوازة دى....لكن اللى له مزاج يمثل انه فى زيجة ناجحة عشان خاطر كليشيهات فى دماغه ، لا أنا ولا أى حد مش من حقنا نحكم عليه لأن القاعدة دايماً هى : كل واحد حر فى نفسه!

قواعد هامة زى الحرية فى إتخاذ القرار من غير تأثيرات هبلة والقدرة على وزن الأمور وتعديلها ان لزم وحق الواحد فى إنه يطلع من زيجة لا تحقق الغرض منها هى قواعد عامة يللا نتفق عليها الأول قبل ما نغوص فى التفاصيل...ويلا كمان نتفق على الموضوعية...بلاش حمأة والنبى عشان الدنيا مش مستاهلة

الإيمان بالقواعد دى بيدى قوة...وبيدى هدوء كمان...مش القوة بتاعة رامبو ولا الهدوء بتاع الدالاى لاما...لأ ، مش اوى كده...بس القوة اللى نابعة من الإيمان بشىء بتخلى الواحد راسخ من جواه...شايف بوضوح...متمسك بحقه مهما اتهاجم...مش بيتأثر اسلوبه بأحكام الغير...الهدوء بقى بيخلى الإنفعال عادى من غير المبالغة فى الخبط والرزع والضرب والبلاوى اللى الواحد بيسمع عنها دى....بس أهم فضيلة لازم الواحد يزرعها جواه هى الصبر...لأن أغلب الأحيان الطرف الطالب للطلاق بيتقابل بمقاومة شرسة مبنية فى أغلب الحيان على العند أو الأنانية وده بيخللى فى أوقات كتير ( بالنسبة للستات ) رحلة اكتساب مادى لحق مطلق زى الطلاق عملية طويلة ومملة......لكن مفتاح النجاح فى الصبر...دى معركة النفس الطويل زى ما بسميها.

لكل قاعدة إستثناء طبعاً إنما...يعنى

المهم

بعدين حادخل فى الموضوع ان شاء الله

Listen to yourself

Motivational speeches don’t do it for me, although this one will sound like one! Ironic.

If you’re going through a bad marriage or a horrible prolonging divorce, you probably need all the help, advice, and opinions you could get to help you decide or help you have peace with your decision. It’s ok to ask for people’s advice, it’s ok to get all the self-help books you can put your hand on, but for the love of God, don’t let advice or books block your own thoughts and instincts from getting to you.

Listen to yourself. Don’t look for comforts in other people’s words that tell you things you want to believe. Listen to advice, but only do by it when you think you’re ready; otherwise, you’ll never really move on, and your ghosts will keep haunting you and pulling you back from you approval-induced happy place back to your misery.

My dad always says: “la nadema man estashar, wala khaba man istakhar” (or the other way around, it always confuses me) but he also says “nakhod bel asbab”, and no one would know your reasons or understand them more than you.

Sorry if it’s too brief and direct to the extent that it almost feels like a slap on the face, it’s not!! But sometimes it’s better to get things that way to make sure they don’t get confusing or boring.

End of transmission.

Pride and Stupid Ego

A couple of weeks back I stumbled on this, and since then, and due to so many things going around, a few thoughts have been coming and going…

When is a marriage not worth fighting for?

In our faiths, marriage is what a couple should fight for, it’s not something a couple should give up on just because they don’t get along; there has to be good substantial reasons for a couple to end the marriage. However, our society makes staying in a marriage –especially a bad one-, a holly mission, for all the wrong reasons! You stay, you’re a martyr… you leave, you’re a coward!

And no one wants to be a coward; we all seek pride in that sacrifice, even if it’s nothing really but stupid ego! That’s why a lot of people in our society never stop to evaluate their decisions, to know if their marriage is working the way it should be or it’s just a futile attempt to keep false pretenses of a good life. Makes me wonder how staying in a bad marriage is supposed to make one a better person when every bit of good dies day after day?!
When a husband says straight forward that he would not grant a divorce, when he abusively threatens to use all his power and authority as a husband to make you miserable if you dare ask for a divorce? Is that a man worth wasting one breath with?! I mean, what kind of life with such a man could possibly be worth living? Marriage is hard, that’s why we’re urged to fight for it, but it has to be worth it, it has to be with a good person who shares it because it just does not need to be any harder.

When a wife uses her own kids to pressure her husband to stay in a marriage of which he has grown tired, does that make her feel loved and wanted? Does that make her feel like a winner that she has a man who would probably end up cheating on her because he can’t leave her? That’s not fighting for a marriage, that’s ruining a marriage and refusing to admit it.

When did people lose sight of that line between pride and stupid ego?! The line was never thin, and pride is something entirely different from stupid ego; if anything, each leads to different consequences. Pride makes you know when you can take no more abuse and walk away with your dignity intact to start a new life, even if against all odds, while stupid ego makes you insist on staying despite all the signs, and sometimes makes you abusive of your spouse making them stay when both of you should know better. When did society promote being egotistic rather than being proud?!

Ma bye3rafsh!!

This is where the society plays the selective twisted game of using a "taboo" against men only when it feels like it.

Recently that conversation took place:

Friend - So, after those long years of enduring his abuse i finally had the courage to walk away and I filed for khol3.
Me- I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea you went through this as you've never showed any signs but then again, who am i to comment on that...i kept my mouth shut for eight years.
Friend- Has he been abusive too " with a horrified look"
Me- Not physically no...It was different but not less destructive.
Friend- Even now you don't want to share.
Me- I had to share one aspect of the problem when i asked for divorce but till this day no one knows another destructive aspect and no one will.
Friend- Aseela...anyway it's hard to speak up in front of people...good that my lawyer has dictated exactly what to say in court.
Me- Oh, and what's that?? I mean, I guess it's enough to say that he was abusive...it is khol3 anyway and its procedures aren't difficult as ordinary suits.
Friend- Oh, No, the lawyer told me that the judge will ask me why do i want divorce and i should say: akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood allah!
Me- na3am!!!!!
Friend, while laughing- akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood Allah means that I fear slipping in adultery but in a legal term the judge knows.
Me- was your husband..mmm...i mean, did he have problems??!!
Friend- Oh No, he was just like a horse!! it is only that this reason isn't discussable nor negotiable!!
Me- eh dah...you are willing to accuse your husband of being ma bey3rafsh instead of stating the truth which is horrible enough to get you your divorce....and, this is actually sort of sick funny that the justice crooked system would give women such a tool that simply...I can imagine you standing in front of the judge and when he'd ask you you'd reply in a corny voice: akhaf alla 2oqeem 7odood Allah followed by a wink ;) oo howa yefham ba2a!! heheh enty habla?!!!
Friend- Rasha, if I would say that he used to beat me up and curse my whole family I would have to sustain my claims with witnesses and stories and hear say...but the other thingie would spare me that.
Me- Look, I just state what i think is right...enty 7orra tab3an...but i invite you to consider this: this is a false testimony and you may end up in prison if he - tab3an tab3an- got angry for his machoism and proved you wrong...shahada zoor!!! are you really willing to take that to your grave??!!
Friend- ..................

Now correct me if i am wrong. this is the same society that tames a woman forever for having any mere clear- Natural - sexual desire. this is the society that titles love making" 2elet adab" and this is the same society that treats a woman like a slut if she complained about lack of sexuality and I'm referring to Marriage related subjects not affairs...and this is the same society that allows men to cheat, beat, curse elly khaleffo a wife and tells her she should take it for the kids' sake, her family's sake and elbawab' sake!!

That same society gave women a sharp fake stick to get out of a marriage while it closes every legitimate door to do just that for the right reasons.

I'm puzzled and sick to my stomach from such hypocrisy and fakeness.

Believing in our rights has to go parallel with believing in others' rights or else, that crooked curve will decline sharper every day and sadly by the same hands that It hurts.

I've always believed that any human being is the predator and the prey...both at the same time...just like a chain that will go on from generation to generation...something will hurt my mom and leads her to make some sort of mistake with me and i would carry the hurt and deliver it to my sons and so on and on and on...but, I also believe that founding individual correctness and pure bases mends and adjusts slowly but consistently towards a pain fre society.

Awareness of ones rights along with everyone else in that universal lesson we are sharing is what makes us either a predator or a prey.

Our choice.

An overdue apology and a comeback!

I admit that I have abandoned this blog for a very long time. For that, I apologize. I have been overwhelmed by how society and the system fail to bring justice to those who need it. I guess for a while there I forgot that the main purpose for that blog was to try and change how unfair society can be and how lame the system is, even if all I did was write words for people to read.

Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be a better support system for women undergoing divorce to help them out of bad marriages and help them overcome its shocking consequences. A good idea that needs an action plan if I may say; I have to say, it spoke to me and made me more enthusiastic about wanting to make a difference, like when I wrote my very first post on this blog.

Surprisingly, three days ago, a friend I made through blogging contacted me asking for “legal advice” for her friend since I come off as somewhat experienced as far as crappy marriages go! Although my “advice” was barely useful from a legal perspective, my friend said that it had a positive impact on her friend’s mood and that it made her less intimidated by the whole thing. The thought that I had something to do, even as minor as it is made me believe again that there is something that can be done; it somehow retrieved my faith in the power of words, not that I reall lost it.

Last but not the least, my dear friend and blog partner, Rasha, sent me message asking me to stop slacking around and start working with her on that blog. God bless you girl :)

So here are a couple of things I wanted to say as at Jessy’s but I guess I was afraid I would come off as rude to any of her commenters…

Women in our society need a support system, a valid one that makes them feel accepted rather than condemn them for their choice to end a bad marriage. It is quite understandable why any society would frown upon divorce; however, intimidating women and labeling them for wanting a misery-free life is not the answer to happy stable homes. I would like to believe that providing educated unbiased advice would do more good than bad, even if the outcome is “ab3’ad al 7alal”.

A support system does not mean by any chance that women are naturally weak. Women are not weak; it's society that insists on weakening them by locking them in narrow perceptions made by false understandings of how things should be! If anything, women possess more strength than this society gives them credit. Assuming that women are weak, or are constantly seeking sympathy is condescending and demeaning.

Generally all humans tend to seek approval from their peers, and when in pain, some of them find comfort in the average amount of sympathy; nonetheless, at some point sympathy could become the reason why some people would prefer to suffer silently rather than admit their need for support. I believe that some would mistake a constant cry for help, or a need to be understood without being judged as a non-ending thirst for sympathy! It’s not; at least not all the time.

Yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions should never become the norm; we can’t assume that every woman is faking a drama to get attention just because a few other women did! It would be extremely unfair and cruel to deny women in need the help we could possibly give my accepting and supporting them just because we have doubts about their motives. After all, there are ethical norms that should guide each marriage, and each divorce for that matter; and failing to maintain those norms could be the responsibility of both partners, but it is also fairly easy to see when one partner is wronged by the other, genders aside.

That being said, I would like to invite all women, as well as men, who feel that they are stuck in “bad marriages”, who happen to be in the midst of a long divorce procedure, or who have gotten a divorce and have problems adjusting. You’re definitely not alone, and trust me, it’s a phase we all go through day in and day out to survive and it is ok, there are good days just like there are horrible ones. Feel free to share your experience anonymously either on this blog or through email, and be assured that sharing your experience can help others realize that they are not as alone as they might think; perhaps that would be a way to start changing society’s perceptions, who knows!!

What is After...

Sometimes the tiniest thing to you is a huge deal to others and it takes only a moment for you to realize you're being looked at in a whole different way than you'd ever imagined.

Because - normally - people differ, after divorce they differ as well; yet I believe every man/ woman who has been struggling to get out of a miserable situation called an unsuccessful marriage or a sad one feels a certain type of liberty...as if a breakthrough has just been accomplished and as if life has suddenly shaken every cell of them to a new vivid existence.

It's like you've been held captive and suddenly you break the chains and your free.

Some people fall into depression because of fear of the unknown overwhelming upcoming phase or...because they were hesitant and really didn't want a divorce...it was a pride pit they fell into or they were pushed towards it.

And to take this a little bit further on the personal side, I had experienced the former...and the latter...God, I'm complicated! anyway...All can be handled...with time...except for people.
Especially If you're someone like me who - just a few years ago - began to blabber anything on my mind without thinking who'd say what.

After is gonna be lonely.
After...you're gonna be judged.
After...preassumptions will try to run your life.
After...you're gonna double power to survive.
After...you're gonna miss the simplest things...maybe would look at the empty seat next to you and miss occupying it instead of taking the stirring wheel.
After...it's gonna be cold...and i have no idea why people in my situation tend to deny it than admit their humanity towards it...It's only sensible i think!

masalan, I think it's only natural for a woman who spent years in the company of a man sharing a life (regardless what that man was like) that would feel empty and lonely without a companion...and by "A" i mean the feeling not the person behind it...so he could be a total Jerk yet, and because men give that, give you the sense of belonging...warmth...security...well, the natural feelings men give women.
I believe it's weired not to miss that...I believe a woman doesn't feel complete without a man and that goes the other way around. so, expressing that - to certain minds - equals and without a doubt that a woman is either a horny bitch or that she still loves her ex and she shouldn't have left him!!

Well, I believe anyone who is deprived intimacy for a long time should be horny...or else something is wrong with them...but it's whether they turn to bitches or not is what counts.

And women/ men who think highly of themselves...respect their feelings...cherish and treasure their bodies and spirits won't be cheap no matter how painful it gets.

Now, it is draining to try to explain myself every second of the day...and, it is contaminating to lock me up inside a cocoon and shut up...push away friends and create barb wires around me just for the fear of saying or doing something "improper".

So, and because we are - supposedly - adults and responsible...let us all be tested...let life teach us to throw away lameness...let my mistakes and other's teach me something more big than what has been said over and over and over for centuries now.

To experience my life and people's lives as they are and maybe, just maybe something richer will blossom in me.

Truth is, I fear people...but that melts away when i let my instinct rule towards someone i feel their goodness and kindness...too bad those - who don't fail that expectation - fail another sometimes.

Still, as universal knowledge...I'll take whatever it is...as long as it's real...

And that should be what is after...



Disclaimer:
**My posts represent my personal opinions and doesn't necessarily reflect the blog owner's.