An overdue apology and a comeback!

I admit that I have abandoned this blog for a very long time. For that, I apologize. I have been overwhelmed by how society and the system fail to bring justice to those who need it. I guess for a while there I forgot that the main purpose for that blog was to try and change how unfair society can be and how lame the system is, even if all I did was write words for people to read.

Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be a better support system for women undergoing divorce to help them out of bad marriages and help them overcome its shocking consequences. A good idea that needs an action plan if I may say; I have to say, it spoke to me and made me more enthusiastic about wanting to make a difference, like when I wrote my very first post on this blog.

Surprisingly, three days ago, a friend I made through blogging contacted me asking for “legal advice” for her friend since I come off as somewhat experienced as far as crappy marriages go! Although my “advice” was barely useful from a legal perspective, my friend said that it had a positive impact on her friend’s mood and that it made her less intimidated by the whole thing. The thought that I had something to do, even as minor as it is made me believe again that there is something that can be done; it somehow retrieved my faith in the power of words, not that I reall lost it.

Last but not the least, my dear friend and blog partner, Rasha, sent me message asking me to stop slacking around and start working with her on that blog. God bless you girl :)

So here are a couple of things I wanted to say as at Jessy’s but I guess I was afraid I would come off as rude to any of her commenters…

Women in our society need a support system, a valid one that makes them feel accepted rather than condemn them for their choice to end a bad marriage. It is quite understandable why any society would frown upon divorce; however, intimidating women and labeling them for wanting a misery-free life is not the answer to happy stable homes. I would like to believe that providing educated unbiased advice would do more good than bad, even if the outcome is “ab3’ad al 7alal”.

A support system does not mean by any chance that women are naturally weak. Women are not weak; it's society that insists on weakening them by locking them in narrow perceptions made by false understandings of how things should be! If anything, women possess more strength than this society gives them credit. Assuming that women are weak, or are constantly seeking sympathy is condescending and demeaning.

Generally all humans tend to seek approval from their peers, and when in pain, some of them find comfort in the average amount of sympathy; nonetheless, at some point sympathy could become the reason why some people would prefer to suffer silently rather than admit their need for support. I believe that some would mistake a constant cry for help, or a need to be understood without being judged as a non-ending thirst for sympathy! It’s not; at least not all the time.

Yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions should never become the norm; we can’t assume that every woman is faking a drama to get attention just because a few other women did! It would be extremely unfair and cruel to deny women in need the help we could possibly give my accepting and supporting them just because we have doubts about their motives. After all, there are ethical norms that should guide each marriage, and each divorce for that matter; and failing to maintain those norms could be the responsibility of both partners, but it is also fairly easy to see when one partner is wronged by the other, genders aside.

That being said, I would like to invite all women, as well as men, who feel that they are stuck in “bad marriages”, who happen to be in the midst of a long divorce procedure, or who have gotten a divorce and have problems adjusting. You’re definitely not alone, and trust me, it’s a phase we all go through day in and day out to survive and it is ok, there are good days just like there are horrible ones. Feel free to share your experience anonymously either on this blog or through email, and be assured that sharing your experience can help others realize that they are not as alone as they might think; perhaps that would be a way to start changing society’s perceptions, who knows!!

What is After...

Sometimes the tiniest thing to you is a huge deal to others and it takes only a moment for you to realize you're being looked at in a whole different way than you'd ever imagined.

Because - normally - people differ, after divorce they differ as well; yet I believe every man/ woman who has been struggling to get out of a miserable situation called an unsuccessful marriage or a sad one feels a certain type of liberty...as if a breakthrough has just been accomplished and as if life has suddenly shaken every cell of them to a new vivid existence.

It's like you've been held captive and suddenly you break the chains and your free.

Some people fall into depression because of fear of the unknown overwhelming upcoming phase or...because they were hesitant and really didn't want a divorce...it was a pride pit they fell into or they were pushed towards it.

And to take this a little bit further on the personal side, I had experienced the former...and the latter...God, I'm complicated! anyway...All can be handled...with time...except for people.
Especially If you're someone like me who - just a few years ago - began to blabber anything on my mind without thinking who'd say what.

After is gonna be lonely.
After...you're gonna be judged.
After...preassumptions will try to run your life.
After...you're gonna double power to survive.
After...you're gonna miss the simplest things...maybe would look at the empty seat next to you and miss occupying it instead of taking the stirring wheel.
After...it's gonna be cold...and i have no idea why people in my situation tend to deny it than admit their humanity towards it...It's only sensible i think!

masalan, I think it's only natural for a woman who spent years in the company of a man sharing a life (regardless what that man was like) that would feel empty and lonely without a companion...and by "A" i mean the feeling not the person behind it...so he could be a total Jerk yet, and because men give that, give you the sense of belonging...warmth...security...well, the natural feelings men give women.
I believe it's weired not to miss that...I believe a woman doesn't feel complete without a man and that goes the other way around. so, expressing that - to certain minds - equals and without a doubt that a woman is either a horny bitch or that she still loves her ex and she shouldn't have left him!!

Well, I believe anyone who is deprived intimacy for a long time should be horny...or else something is wrong with them...but it's whether they turn to bitches or not is what counts.

And women/ men who think highly of themselves...respect their feelings...cherish and treasure their bodies and spirits won't be cheap no matter how painful it gets.

Now, it is draining to try to explain myself every second of the day...and, it is contaminating to lock me up inside a cocoon and shut up...push away friends and create barb wires around me just for the fear of saying or doing something "improper".

So, and because we are - supposedly - adults and responsible...let us all be tested...let life teach us to throw away lameness...let my mistakes and other's teach me something more big than what has been said over and over and over for centuries now.

To experience my life and people's lives as they are and maybe, just maybe something richer will blossom in me.

Truth is, I fear people...but that melts away when i let my instinct rule towards someone i feel their goodness and kindness...too bad those - who don't fail that expectation - fail another sometimes.

Still, as universal knowledge...I'll take whatever it is...as long as it's real...

And that should be what is after...



Disclaimer:
**My posts represent my personal opinions and doesn't necessarily reflect the blog owner's.

It's OK

Most Important thing about divorce, given the fact that it's a life changing act of freedom, that is to realize that you have every right - at any point - to change your mind and choose to use your freedom again to weigh everything in the light of the experience and in the light of the little glimpse you've taken during the process...and just say: no, I realize it could work out. or: no, I will pay the price and continue.

It is your right. It is your life. It is your freedom.

And no one has the right to judge you then, just like they had no right to judge you when you wanted out.

It takes steel guts to choose either ways...

Consider only yourself.

How to twist an arm...bera7ah!

I think anyone who has ever encountered the legal system and our inhuman court houses would have to agree that it's a nasty nasty experience...most likely unjust as well.

And that's regarding marital problems or any other kind of problem.
Bitterness from such experience are often held when u have a right that is so clear and present and for some retarded reason you get a humiliating treatment of being the criminal instead of the victim.

Well, I won't brag about how i saw this coming in my early stages of divorce as i am of a law back ground...only because circumstances helped me a lot and most of all Allah has shown me what was impossible for me to see...

See, back then, i was verbally divorced...yet he returned me to marriage behind my back...he planned - with the help of my brother- to leave the country for years and keep me unmarried/undivorced...only because i was strong enough to say a loud, firm and clear NO to the life of sickness i had endured for eight years.
I was as solid as a rock...i took all the moral abuse from family and friends...90% of people didn't talk to me any more...i was penny less - as i were stupid enough to dedicate my life to him and the kids and had no money of my own...and i won't mention the lost little fortune spent on him - as my dad who has supported me for the first two months cut all resources to pressure me into getting back to him...
I found a humble job...and i kept screaming NO...

The day i knew of the plot and his intention to travel...i had to be fierce...i saw a lawyer who suggested cruel actions that would've dealt with the whole matter in days...but i said no...i won't accuse him of things he didn't do...i won't cheat...
What i would do is use awful things he has already done...truthfully done...
I will twist an arm...bas bera7ah...

See, everyone has a weak spot...EVERYONE...some men fear a shattered social image...some men fear to loose a dime...some men fear the power of the police...everyone fears something...

And he had tons of skeletons in his closet...

He...and his family feared to loose a dime...and he has written my mom a blank check long ago when he ripped her of everything she has in lame trials to make a business out of his dull mind...she and i has forgotten all about that check...till the day my lawyer desperately asked me if i have anything to help him save my freedom before the dude leaves the country...i remembered that peaceful tactic and made him swear not to prosecute...i told him...just wave the matter...no court!

In two weeks i was asked by him to meet him at the ma2zoon...

As i cried on my way over there cause i kept imagining my kids growing up without a dad hanging around...i had a big smile when i saw him at the ma2zoon with his new wife...i felt like : I'm absolutely doing the right thing!

I didn't hurt him to get my freedom although i could...FOREVER, I didn't give in to the pressure that drove me insane, i didn't sell my self cheap to his evil plans...I took the right decisions and i was strong enough to end my matters legally in three months!

Our meeting at the ma2zoon and the agreement he tried t make me sign was hilariously painful...but that's another story.

Qanun El A7wal El Sha7’seya!

I was searching the web for an article I heard of to write my next post, when I stumbled upon those two articles here and here about the expected new amendments in The Personal Affairs Law; I had to read it and postpone the post I had in mind for later, after this one!

Having walked an average amount of miles in the shoe of Divorce, I couldn’t help but think that some of those amendments would be great if properly applied. Yes! Sadly, I have forever lost my faith in our system and its ability to stand against unfair manipulations of those who can spot its cracks and take advantage of them!

But before I discuss the proposed amendments, I would like to get something out of my system… THE COMMENTS!! The comments people left after each article either for the writer of the articles or for the general public!! Eh el maskhara de?!!!! Is that how people think, I mean the majority?? Not just that, is that how those who can log on and read online pages of Al Masry Alyoum have to say; offend the writer and offend people whom they cannot even imagine what their lives are like just because they were given a keyboard and the right to free speech??!!! 3amar ya masr!!

Some commented that Egypt will never develop as long as people use development as an excuse to change Islamic practices by changing the legal system!! I tell those people that this country will NEVER develop as long as those like him/her use Islam as a façade to hide behind whenever they fail to explain how so many Muslims do not abide my Islam’s essence, fairness that is!! I also remind them that Islam applies on Muslims, while the legal system needs to apply on all Egyptians, how about some tolerance?!! Islam is also about tolerance, no??? as long as it does not conflict with Islam bardu!

There were comments accusing anyone who legitimizes or regulates personal affairs like people from the NDP of the writer (whom I have no idea of her affiliations) of being Kharabeen beyoot and assuming they were promoting the concept of broken homes just because they had broken homes themselves!! Personal Attacks?? How mature!! I am no NDP fan and I doubt I will ever be, but when someone I dislike says something that makes sense, I shouldn’t just refuse it without being open minded about the general need for it!! Wala lazem masr kolaha tenzel tetlete3 fel ma7akem 3ashan te7es bel mo3anah ya3ne!!!!

I must say, I have never been that much offended reading online comments the way I was earlier today!! Now my own comments…


On raising the age of marriage to be above 18:

Why is it such a bad idea?! Women younger than that age, and even at that age are too young to get married and be responsible for a household!! I got married at the age of 21 and it was not a great experience, how much worse could it be for those who get married at younger than 18 only to get disillusioned, especially that most of those come from poor backgrounds!!

On Limiting/Controlling Polygamy:

It basically suggest that a man must prove his ability to financially support two households; It does not regulate how a man should behave regarding either. I find this beneficial in a sense, which is the man admitting to his real financial status; therefore, in case the first wife demands a divorce (which she is most definitely entitled to in that case) he cannot deny her or the kids –if any- the proper alimony by claiming a less financial status. I understand Islam granted men the right to polygamy; however, evidence shows they have abused that right in so many ways when they ignored the MAIN condition, fairness. I personally don’t believe that we can enforce ethical behavior, but I do believe that when people simply ignore rules that way, they need to have them reinforced in a way. It’s not an attempt from women to control men’s God given right; from where I see it, it’s an attempt to preserve women’s rights that seem to be ignored in this society behind façades of bold titles speaking of feminism and women’s rights!

On legitimizing the rights of the wife and children through 3urfy marriage:

Personally, I am against 3urfy marriage and I have my own opinion that it’s 7aram because it lacks the fundamentals of a proper marriage! But let’s face it, this is a country that has failed to eliminate organized prostitution just because they failed to prohibit consensual sex outside marriage, simply because ethical practices are not to be forced on people!! Nonetheless, it’s a sad fact that a lot of young girls do become victims of 3urfy marriage just because they do not have full understanding of its implications and consequences; therefore, if we can’t teach them early on the difference, an attempt to protect them would not harm. I do however see many people abusing that law simply because it protects a flawed concept, but that’s just my humble opinion.

On Divorce, Reasons and Practices:

Divorce for harm should be based on reasons, not just witnesses’ testimonies, taking into consideration that emotional abuse counts as harm. Do I need to comment on that!! And why on earth is it a problem that divorce procedures should take less time?! What good could possibly be coming from prolonging the process?! Isn’t it draining enough? Also Divorce by Absentia is to be eliminated; however, I do not know what that is!! As for lapsing of Divorce due to the absence of the husband, the duration is to be updated to 1 year of absence at most as grounds for a divorce and in case the husband is absent (not to be found at all) for two years, he’s declared dead! I think it’s fair enough; I mean what good reason would a man have for disappearing that way other than death?! I find amnesia too farfetched for our time!

On Custody Rights:

Mother get custody automatically as long as the kids are underage; they do not lose custody rights as long as it does not conflict with the kids’ best interest, which means custody does not automatically expire due to remarriage. In other cases, the custody could be extended in case any of the kids suffers from a handicap that requires maternal care, since no one other than the mother is capable of enduring that much effort. Fair enough!! More importantly, a father automatically loses custody rights if he fails to and/or refuses to pay his kids’ alimony. Mentioning alimony, kids’ alimony should be separate from any dispute between the to-be-divorced couple. I don’t see how that should be a bad thing!

On Khol3:

There was a part I did not understand about the repayment of dowry, which I will ask about once I get a chance. However, there was a motion to extend khol3 justifications to include cases where the wife discovers “incurable defect” in her husband that she cannot live with, as well as one she had known of but could no longer endure. I really have nothing to say on that matter since I have no definition of “incurable defect”, so I shall leave it for people who know better.


I relize that my comments are more or less affected by my own experience, but I tried to refrain from extreme bias as I was once telling my esteemed partner :)

The cynic in me can see ways in which all those new legal updates could be violated. Let’s face it, we have a corrupted judicial system; or at least ignorant and indifferent at the best!! Moreover, I do admit there are women out there who do abuse their husbands, even with this masculine society that allows more room of abuse for the husbands.

Anyway, before you take the time to comment, I urge you to give it a thought and try to see things from an objective point of view! More importantly, I urge you to remain civil; I wouldn’t have asked that if I hadn’t read the absurd comments! Thanks.

Why Divorce?!

I can't start giving my two cents ( or rather two ersh as I'm proud to be a slang Egyptian ) before thanking Divorcette for allowing me to share on this blog.

I think it's a great Idea to support divorced or about to be divorced women...who knows, maybe men too!



The first Question that comes to mind whenever i hear someone saying that they're thinking about divorce or filing for divorce is WHY!



In my opinion it's a life changing step that has to be weighed realistically putting in mind - consciously - the pros and cons especially if kids are involved.



So, here's my list of legitimate reasons in my opinion:

• Adultery
• Abuse: constant moral abuse / physical abuse
• Hate: my test for that one is: If you wish you were dead the moment you hear his keys turn in the door!
• Drugs : Master of disaster
• Homosexuality turn ons/ practices
• Doesn't provide for his kids ( it's always a sign of more sever cheapness )
• Dead In bed ( In case you're not frigid )

Well, I can go on forever till i end up with the most famous reason to call the whole thing off: You say tomato...he says Oo6ah :D

Never mind girls just trying to lighten up 'cause I started to get a lil' bit anxious.

Please feel free to add...

Bottom line is: Make sure you didn't think of divorce because your not so loving friend fueled you against him or because your best friend is enjoying the Mercedes her husband gave her...That would be a lame answer to the question WHY...and that ain't worth splitting your kids' heart.

In my case, It wasn't just one reason of the mentioned above and that's WHY I stood up against EVERYBODY I know - except for my mom to be accurate - and said NO, I won't take it.

But that's another story....

How to shake off the bad mood…

We all get depressed, be it hormones, or unfortunate events. Hell! Men get depressed.

So there, some things I thought of that could help shake the bad mood off; some may work, some may not, but it won’t get you more depressed, given that you don't go over board. Feel free to try them, woman, man, single, married, divorced… whatever!!

1. 
   1- Catch up with an old friend, someone you have not talked to for quite some time! Just try to avoid talking about the things that upset you; keep it strictly catching up.
   
   2- If you have kids, leave them with someone you can trust, and go catch a movie, or have your favorite drink in your favorite coffee shop… three hours of quality time with your own self is worth it!
   
   3- Embrace the bad negative feelings; you’re feeling bad, so what, it won’t last… so while you’re thinking things back and forth, take the time to find at least one upside, focus on it for a while and then shake your head and say “alhamdulilah”
   
   4- You can talk it out with someone you really trust and feel comfortable talking to, someone you would not feel awkward about sharing things with, and most importantly someone who’s wise enough to properly handle your vulnerable emotional state.
   
   5- Buy yourself something nice, something you always wanted, or treat yourself with one serving of your favorite dessert; more could cause some calorie abuse depending on the dessert and whether you’re on any sort of diet!
   
   6- If you have kids, buy them something too; going back and giving them whatever you bought, you will see a bright smile and an excited look, your heart will just melt and you’ll feel warm and fuzzy inside :)
   
   7- Try learning something new; even if it’s so little or trivial, even if it’s just a new route home!
   
   8- If you have internet access, think of any of your favorite things, google it, and find out some interesting stuff!! It’s cool, trust me ;)
   
   9- If you have the time, go walk in a poor neighborhood, look at the people with the jaded faces and the less fortunate statuses, you might stumble upon smiling faces nonetheless. If they can smile, the least you should do is smile back… if the are not smiling, all the more reason to smile at them, I find smiling therapeutic. Just avoid suspicious looking people who touch themselves.
   
   10- If you can’t seem to get out of the black hole on your own, try to spend time with people whom you enjoy their company, people who make you laugh; laughter is contagious, it may not solve your problems, but your heart will feel lighter for a while, why the hell not!!
   
   11- Do something you like, something that soothes you… take a long drive with good music, a warm bubble bath, cook something nice if you’re into cooking, read a book, watch a movie, go out in the balcony and gaze at the sky, take the time to look at the stars and appreciate their beauty!! Whatever does it for you, just dwell on something positive!!
   
   12- If you have kids of your own, or there are any at home (younger siblings, nephews, nieces, etc…) call for them and start random conversations; kids can be both brilliant and entertaining, something about their innocence brightens up the heart! And they sense our need for compassion; my almost 1-year-old pats me on the back when I hug him, makes me feel warm.
   
   13- Do something different about your looks, doesn’t have to be drastic, mildly different is cool! Trim your hair, try out some nail polish even if you remove it later, curl your hair in a funny way or even braid it!! Take photos either you’re looking silly or cute, even if you delete them later, it consumes time rather not wasted in sulking.
   
   14- You can rearrange the furniture in your room, or your house! Who knows, you may even clean up or fold laundry while listening to music or leaving the tv on, or even chatting with a friend on the phone! You'd be amazed how many annoying chores can be done that way :)
   
   15- If you’re feeling spiritual, pray, put your heart into a prayer, say all that you want, or not, just think about all that you want, God doesn’t need to hear your spoken words, He senses sincerity… trust Him.
   
   16- Look in the mirror, find one thing, one thing you like about yourself, not just about your looks, look deeper into your soul, be thankful for it and accept whatever it is you don’t like; we all have flaws, some we should change, and some we should just accept.
   
   17- Check on a friend you know was going through his/her own set of problems, listen to him/her, and try to give support; you may not have help to offer, or smart advice to give, but you will surely help by making them feel less lonely. It’s rewarding, it helps make you less self centered so you can get away with your selfishness later ;)
   
   18- Check out a game you like playing, even make up your own!! I used to think of random words that lead me to more random words, you’d be surprised!!
   
   19- Talk to yourself out loud, people may call you crazy, but thinking out loud helps.
   
   20- Seek help from a professional if you have doubts about your own sanity, nothing is wrong with that!! If you have a problem, you better start working on it, if you don’t, there, you got assurance, and it will be uplifting to know that for sure.
   

I’ll post more if I think of any, feel free to add yours… have a good day and God bless :)